Looking through the eyes of Gaby...

"A new baby is like the beginning of all things-wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities. "

MY TWO-WEEK OLD BABY GAB

"Just by looking at you Gab, you bring me so much joy and inner peace which I could hardly explain. Don't grow up too fast, girl..I'll treasure every day that I spend taking care of you. I love you!" - Mommy

Over You

i love this song...i found it worth sharing so i post the lyrics here. it's in my esnips quicklist as well..so, enjoy listening...

OVER YOU
Chris Daughtry

Now that it’s all said and done
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of meeee

[Chorus]
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say,
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of other’s opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for meee

[Chorus]
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!

I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time agooo
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you

And I never saw it coming
I should have started running
I’m finally getting better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
And I got over you!!!
And I got over you!!!
And I got over you!!!

The day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you…

My Precious Baby GUIAN ABBY PAULINE

CS? NO WAY!

I had my prenatal checkup again today. Am now at 39 weeks, and getting more worried as my due date comes closer. But i'm not worried at all about going into labor, what i'm more worried about now is the fact that the baby's head suddenly doesn't want to engage. three weeks ago, my OB told me that my baby's head has already engaged and that my exterior os is already opened. so, i was expecting that this baby will come out earlier than my EDD. but now, i don't know why Baby Guian has suddenly decided not to come out yet. when my OB did an internal exam awhile ago, she said that my interior os is still closed and that my baby's head is still far. she then told me to undergo another pelvic ultrasound to check the baby's position and condition, and see if there's a possibility that i might have a cesarean section.

CS DELIVERY??? NO WAY!!! i've heard lots of stories from women who gave birth via c-section and most of them were not wonderful experiences at all. from the expenses up to recovery, normal delivery is far more advantageous than c-section. i did a little research about the disadvantages of this kind of birthing process, and here is the information i found:

Disadvantages — Because cesarean delivery involves major surgery and anesthesia, there are some disadvantages compared to vaginal delivery.

• Cesarean delivery is associated with a higher rate of injury to abdominal organs (bladder, bowel, blood vessels), infections (wound, uterus, urinary tract), and thromboembolic (blood clotting) complications than vaginal delivery.

• Cesarean surgery can interfere with mother-infant interaction in the delivery room.

• Recovery takes longer than with vaginal delivery.

• Cesarean delivery is associated with a higher risk of abnormal attachment of the placenta in subsequent pregnancies, which can lead to serious complications.

• Incising the uterus to deliver the baby weakens the uterus, increasing the risk of uterine rupture in future pregnancy. This risk is small and depends upon the type of uterine incision.

Knowing all these, not to mention the high cost for cesarean delivery these days, all the more worries me, thus, im praying doubly hard that i will go into labor soon and that my baby's head will already engage in my pelvis.

Good Job, GUIAN!

I'm so proud of my baby, he did a very good job these past two weeks - and that is holding on to Mommy's tummy until he reached 36 weeks. Yup, he is now at 36 weeks. Although he still needs to be inside me for at least a week to be considered full-term, still I'm glad that he has come this far in spite of the things that we have been through together all throughout this pregnancy.

Last September 22, I went through a premature labor, on which my cervix already dilated to 1cm. I was too worried because Guian then was still at 34 weeks, premature at that. When my OB told me to file a leave in the office and have a complete bed rest, I immediately obliged because I don't want to put my baby's health at risk. So now, 2 weeks have passed, with me back to work, Guian is still inside - thanks to my OB's advice and prescription. But of course, thanks Guian for being such a good baby to Mommy (I talked to him not to come out early and he obeyed Mommy)...

Anytime from this day on, Guian can come out from this bulging tummy. I can hardly wait..I'm so excited but scared at the same time..Just the thought of labor gives me the creeps. (Hmmm..what if I started feeling the labor pain here inside the office?) I certainly hope I won't, but not at the middle of the night as well.

Everything is set for his grand debut - his things, my things, and of course the camera for documentation. I can't wait to see this little thing...how he looks? what features he got from me or from his papa? how loud his cry will be?

Of course, it would have been better if his papa is here to witness his grand entrance into this world. but well, life deprives my baby of this, so Mommy will just do all the welcoming, together with Mommy's family, friends, and officemates. I'm just not sure if any of his papa's relatives will come and see him for the first time.

"Oh Guian, my journey of carrying you for 9 months will soon be over. although you have made me went through a lot of problems and difficulties, I will never ever regret the day that I found out you're inside me. you brought a different light and meaning into my life. "

When is Enough..Really Enough?

It's October now, yet it seems my struggles are not yet over. Perhaps, as long as this baby is inside me, I'll still be very emotional, moody, and oversensitive. The past weeks, I thought my emotions were already stable; but I was wrong. The more I hide my true feelings, the more it shows when the time finally comes that I couldn't bear the pain any longer. I don't want to be like this, I want to be strong...As my friend Ste told me, this is not supposedly the time for me to be too emotional...I tried, but I couldn't help it. I may try to ignore the pain now, but later on I would eventually voice it out.

I'm on my last weeks of my pregnancy, so I'm really hoping that after this baby comes out, I'll be the strong Phoebe again. The past 5 months have been really a struggle, every month I would say, "When is enough, really enough?" Enough of the pain, enough of the anger, enough of the resentment, enough of the regrets, enough of the punishments for that one mistake, and enough of making me feel so alone in this pregnancy...Is 5 months not yet enough for all the sufferings that I went through? Am I too bad to be punished like this? "When is enough, really enough? When?"

I know the pain of knowing that my baby will never be in a complete family will not go away, but I keep on asking, when will I get used to this pain? I want to get used to this pain as early as now so that when my baby is already here, he would see a strong Mommy who can be a mom and a dad to him at the same time. I don't want him to feel that something is missing on his life - a complete family just like the other kids. So, I'm really hoping that my emotions would be more stable once this pregnancy is over.

Toss and Turn

Toss and turn...That's what I did for almost 4 hours last night. I couldn't seem to get any sleeping position right. When I'm lying on my back, Guian would do these summersaults and kicks, so I would turn to the right side. But then, after a couple of minutes or so, I could again feel him banging at the right side of my tummy. I would, then, toss at the left side. But just the same, the movements won't seem to stop. the end result - am so sleepy right now and my head feels like spinning.

Baby Guian is now at 34 weeks. At least 2 weeks more, he will be in his full-term and can come out any minute. but i want him to stay inside for at least 4 more weeks. at 38 weeks, it will be the best time for me to give birth to this most-awaited angel. haven't you seen how excited i am for this baby? i think, the moment i started this blogsite, all I could think of and talk about is Guian...if I have tags here, perhaps when I search the keyword Guian, this site will rank first.

this is really a groggy day, even while writing this blog i could feel my eyes closing. does anybody here have a toothpick pls? all i could think of now is my bed, pillows, and a good day sleep. see, it's almost 11am but i haven't done anything really productive. i just spent the last two hours giving instructions about the new projects and looking at this MS word document where my keywords are waiting.

maybe an hour of sleep will make me feel better during lunch break. i really can't concentrate with my eyes feeling like this and my mind wishing that it would be 5:00pm already so i can go home and get a good night rest. But do you think i could even get one tonight? i terribly hope so...

Guian's Things Part II

Two weeks ago, I found the time to buy the remaining things that my Guian needs before his grand debut. There was a sale in LCC, so I grabbed the opportunity to enjoy great savings. Again, I took pictures of his things and posted them here.

I really enjoyed looking at Guian's things. These bring a smile to my face especially now that I'm on my 8th month of pregnancy. Very soon, I'll be seeing this cute little angel of mine...

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Today is DAY 222 of my pregnancy. According to my pregnancy calendar, I could be anxious and restless about labor beginning today. Indeed, what it said was right. I'm really getting more restless, just thinking that 7weeks from now, I could be delivering my baby. Actually, it's still 58 days more to go before my due date. But since I'm taking so much stress from doing my obligations here in the office, including the freelance writing work that I have to do when I get home, this baby could come out earlier than expected. I'm even planning to file my maternity leave starting from 3rd week of October, so my last working day would be October 20th. But before that date comes, I'm stuck with all these articles consolidation, reports preparation, looking after my subordinates, and leaving instructions to my colleague who will take over as the group supervisor while I'm on leave.

How I wish I could just sleep the whole month of September and then somebody just wakes me up when it ends...(Whew, dream on again Phoebe!) Before I go on vacation, (duh, i don't think I can even consider it as a vacation..with a newborn baby beside me, am sure it will not be all joys but more of bigger responsibilities as a Mommy) I definitely need to accomplish all my tasks and make sure that I delegate my supervisory responsibilities well. Even if there are mornings that I'd rather stay in bed than get up when my cellphone alarms at 6:10am, I just push myself to go to work and tell myself that everything will soon be over...

Am sure the whole month of September will pass like a blink of an eye. But for an expecting Mom like me, this will still be a long wait. So, I have no choice for now but to do my job, keep myself busy at home, and enjoy the remaining weeks that I live alone, and no baby to bug me at night for breastfeeding.

Looking Back

i was inspired by the the blogpost of my friend chie, so i made this one - especially dedicated to all the loving and great moms out there!

looking back at my pre-school days, i wanted to be a singer like Whitney Houston...i remembered those times when i would lip synch her songs while my playmates act as audience and put garlands around my neck (like in That's Entertainment)...I have always loved singing but I was not as gifted as Whitney to make it as a career. so, i did not become a singer, but i do know how to sing lullabyes - enough to put my Baby Guian to sleep once he comes out

looking back at my elementary days, i wanted to become a teacher like my 1st grade teacher. i loved to act like one, scribbling some words on the blackboard while my playmates act as my students. i also enjoyed checking their test papers, 'coz for once it was not me who did not undergo the testing..I have always loved teaching but I was not as dedicated as my 1st grade teacher. so, i did not become a teacher, but I do know how to teach my Baby Guian the letters from A-Z, numbers from 1-10, and the important lessons that he has to learn in life

looking back at my high school days, i wanted to become a lawyer like the ever-famous Atty. Katrina Legarda. I wanted to defend the poor and the oppressed so that they will find justice. I would even stand in front of the mirror and utter the usual line that lawyers say in court, "Objection your honor!" I have always loved the thought of being a lawyer and stand firm to what I believe is right, but I was not as witty and patient to pursue law like Atty Legarda..so, i did not become a lawyer, but I do know how to defend my Baby Guian in case somebody bullies him or mocks him just because he does not come from a complete family

looking back at my first year in college, i wanted to become an engineer like my mom. I chose chemical engineering for my course because chemistry has always been one of my favorite subjects. i enjoyed mixing chemicals during our laboratory class, and imagined myself that i was able to come up with something, medicine of some sort, which is worth introducing to the world. i dreamt to be called Engr. Phoebe Oxales but i was not as determined as my mom to finish the course. so, i did not become a chemical engineer, but I do know how to mix water with milk to bottlefeed Baby Guian

looking back at my second year in college, i wanted to become a military officer like my brother. I felt envious when i saw him wearing that military uniform, looking snappy, and being respected by many. i wanted to be a fighter for the good of the country, so I tried, took the entrance test, passed, took the physical and medical exam, failed - and that was the end of it all. so, i did not become a military officer, but I do know how to be a fighter for my Baby Guian - from the first time that i've learned that i have him until the day i die, i'll never allow anyone to hurt him in any way

looking back at my last years in college, i wanted to become an accountant like my accounting professor. i loved numbers and i enjoyed making computations especially when it comes to money matters. i even got very good grades in my accounting subjects in college. i really wanted to have my own accounting firm, but i was not given a chance like my accounting professor. so, i did not become an accountant, but I do know how to compute my earnings and expenses - and save a few for my Baby Guian's future

and looking back a year ago, i wanted to become an OFW in Canada so I can continue my dream of migrating. I tried to ask help from a good friend, but i did not like the condition he was asking in return. i, then, decided to do it my way - yet no opportunity. perhaps, last year was not the right time - and neither today. so, i was not able to travel and be in Canada, but I do know that something more beautiful is about to come my way - and that is my Baby Guian. even if i'm not an OFW now, I know he will be proud to have me as his mom because i really work hard just to provide him with his needs

looking back at the 26 years of my life, i will never regret that I did not become the person that I wanted to be. but I know, in my own way, I am a singer, a teacher, a lawyer, an engineer, a military officer, an accountant, and an OFW in one. i may not have the title and career that I've wanted but i'll always be proud that I have the most wonderful career and title in the world and that is to be - A CERTIFIED MOM!

i dedicate this blog to all moms out there, especially single moms like me. hope this inspire you. i know some of you are also thinking what your life could have been if you choose not to get pregnant and pursue your dream. let this help you in finding the answer. i may not have the career that i wanted, but i'll always believe that God's plans for me are better than mine...i know the best is yet to come..what's more important is that i kept my baby and never thought of abortion just to pursue my dream...i can still achieve my dreams, at the right time, at the right place, and with my baby beside me who will always serve as my inspiration and be the source of my strength...

My Baby's Ultrasound??? Not really...

Just this morning, Dex send me an MPEG file...He first asked me if I have a headset, I said yes but I said only one ( I was thinking that he will borrow from me )...It never occurred to me that the reason why he asked about the headset was because the file he's going to send me has sound effect...The filename was "baby ultrasound". In an instant, I got curious. I just had my ultrasound and the result wasn't clear, so I was really excited to see how the baby looks in the said file..When I played it, it really made me laugh so hard...Here is the video, check it out: (if it won't play on IE browser, try Mozilla)

The baby is sooooo cute right, and the video is really funny..The moment I heard the car starting, I really burst into loud laughter. I was imagining that it was my Baby Guian who's doing that..(whew, even on video like this, it's still related to cars huh!) And hmmm, I was thinking, perhaps this is what my baby does inside my tummy - maybe he's like stepping on the clutch when i feel him kicking..wehehe..(dream on Bhem!)

Thanks Dex for this video, and for the code as well so I can post it here..

Laugh 'til you drop...

Hahahaha..Hihihihi...There is so much laughter inside the office today. Different funny videos are circulating around, plus the funny messages from Olops. Got another video, this time from Naysan. I don't know where she first got it, but it definitely made me burst into laughter...

Could it be any worse???


And here's another one from Dex...

helpful kids

A Good Laugh

"Sometimes, people choose to leave not because of selfish reasons but because they just know that things will get worse if they will stay. Leaving can be a tough act and it’s harder when people can’t understand you for doing so."

I got this from my officemate Olops and after reading it, all I could say was "tumpak". I was on the verge of getting emotional, when he sent another message:

Olops Roderos: Sagot ni Inday nung tinanong sya ng amo nya kng bakit umalis si Angel Locsin sa Channel 7. Hahaha.. Walang kupas si Inday!

Grrrr...This colleague of mine can really make my day, actually almost everyone's day here at the office. You see, he won't pass a day without sending messages like this, on which at first you will think that he is very serious, but wait 'til you read the follow-up message...Burst of laughter comes next...Really nice...With the type of work that we do everyday, serious-but-funny-at-the-side messages such as these are really nice icebreakers. Who wouldn't want a good laugh anyway while writing or editing articles for the day?

Hope to read more messages like this from you Lops...We really need a good laugh in this "serious environment" that we call "office".

Guian's Things Part I

Entering my 7th month of pregnancy is getting more difficult: physically, mentally, and emotionally. I easily get tired now and when I experience Braxton Hicks contractions, I feel as if my baby is ready to come out. I also start feeling a little scared about the thought of going through labor again especially now that I am all alone when I give birth. No matter how hard I try to be positive about everything, still I come to a point where I feel down and ask myself why I have to go through this alone. Just like today, as I enter my place after attending the mass , a feeling of loneliness surged inside me. But instead of letting such feeling take over me, I tried to erase it and think about the things that make me happy. So, I just imagined that Guian is already here with me, hearing his cry, seeing his eyes, holding him close, and kissing his soft skin. As I do this, I remembered to check the things that I already prepared for him.

While taking pictures of Guian's things, I feel happy because 10 weeks from now, these will be used by Guian already. I enjoyed looking at the tie-side shirts, mittens, booties, feeding bottles, and blankets. These are just a few of the things that he needs; I still need to buy the rest like his crib, stroller, cloth diapers, baby bag, and all the other stuffs that newborns need. As soon as I complete everything, I'll again take pictures and post them here. I'm also thinking about getting a photo album for him and compile every picture that will remind me of his beginnings.

Guian is really my source of happiness, and I will do everything to be the best Mom for him. He came to my life for a reason - and for that I'll always thank God. Even if I am going through a lot of difficulties because of him, I will never ever regret that I choose to keep him.

I LOVE YOU BABY GUIAN!

Ultrasound Result

Maybe you've noticed why it took me so long to post my ultrsound result here..it's simply because I was too disappointed the past days to write a single word about it...Disappointed because the answer to the question "Boy or Girl" is still this one in the image... YUP! IT'S STILL A BIG QUESTION MARK!!! I was really frustrated last Monday because I was not able to know what the gender of my baby is. The sonographer said that my baby's feet were covering his/her organs, so he could not tell whether my baby is a boy or a girl.

What can I do, but to leave the clinic with so much disappointment. Although I was happy somehow to know that my baby is healthy and in good condition, still I couldn't help feeling frustrated because my very purpose of having that ultrasound was not achieved. So, until now, I don't know if I really have a Guian or a Guianne. And try to look at this image; I can hardly see my baby..Can you??? Anyhow, I just took everything positively and see the funny side of it, maybe my Guian-slash-Guianne is a shy baby and wants to surprise Mommy of what he/or she really is. Some of my friends told me to take another ultrasound because maybe in the second result, I'll already know the gender. But I decided not to because perhaps really my baby wants me to wait for the big day and he/she wants it to be more exciting for me.

So, I just have to wait for at least 10 more weeks, since my baby is now at 28 weeks...Anyways, I'll just give you an update once my baby is out of this bulging tummy...For now, I'll keep my fingers crossed that this baby is a boy and that he is healthy when he comes out. Good thing, the result showed no evidence of gross fetal morphologic deformities, no evidence of nuchal cord coil. and that the baby is in cephalic presentation (meaning the head down).. So, this means that my baby is healthy and that I can have normal delivery...What a relief, whew!!! (I don't like it to be CS delivery, so I really thank God.)

Such an Innocent Look

This is Baby Ethan, my super-duper handsome inaanak. When I saw his pic in his mom's blog, I fell in love with him, so I decided to post a blog about him as well..He's so adorable, isn't he? Look at his eyes, his lips, and his skin...He has a very innocent look and I can't seem to get enough of him. The last time I saw him was during his dedication or thanksgiving (christening for us Catholics)...He was only a month and a half then, but already so handsome...And now at 3 1/2 months, he even looks more handsome and jeezz I couldn't help but think that babies really grow fast.

His mom is miles away from him right now, but she does it not for herself but for his future. I totally understand why she had to make this choice -this tough decision. I salute her for being so strong. As for you Baby Ethan, in time, you will understand why your Mommy has to be away for now. She may not be with you, but her love for you will always stay...And Nang-nang Bhem will always be here..when my baby comes out, you already have someone to play with...so keep on growing, keep on smiling, and keep that handsome and innocent look...

My Horoscope Today

Checking my horoscope has been a part of my daily routine. Whenever I log in to blogger, I always check my horoscope to see what it has to say. Today, this is what it says:

"Pull in your energy and be a little less forceful over these next weeks. Oddly enough, you can actually accomplish more than usual during this time of retreat. Try to spend more time at home or at least within your own protective sphere. Even if this makes you a bit stir-crazy, remember that you are rebuilding your energy during this passing phase."

I don't usually believe this stuff, but sometimes it makes me ponder because there are times that I can really relate on what it says, just like the one I've written in the previous paragraph. The past days had been a little difficult for me, so perhaps I really need to pull in my energy and be a little less forceful these coming weeks. I need to focus myself on more important things like work and spend more time resting and pampering myself. Now, I even try to limit the hours I spend in front of the computer, and concentrate on other things that can make me happy so that I can really start moving on and prevent myself from getting too emotional and too weak. I don't want my baby to suffer just because I'm weak and I get easily affected with how other people treat me; so I decided that it would be best to contain myself and my baby in our own world - away from worries, problems, hurts, and sufferings which we don't deserve.

I'm beginning to rebuild my energy now that I've learned to finally let go and accept the reality that a complete family is not really for me and my baby. As I spend more time loving myself and my baby, I begin to realize that life is still beautiful in spite of the trials God is giving me. And even though this phase that I'm going through now will make me a bit stir-crazy, I know once I see and touch my baby for the first time, I will forget all the hardships that I went through and forget the pains that I suffered...

Boy or Girl?

In a couple of hours, I'll already know what the gender of my baby is. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. Excited because ever since I really wanted to have a baby boy. I even have a name for him already if ever he is really a boy. But nervous, because what if this is a baby girl...I don't know what I will feel if ever the result will show a baby girl...Since February, I've already set my mind to have a boy, and my expectations are really high that it would be..so if ever this is a baby girl, maybe I'll feel frustrated at first, but what can I do but to accept it...As long as the baby is healthy, it is fine with me.

Butterflies in my Stomach

Tic..Tac..Tic..Tac..The clock is ticking, and it's ticking fast...waaahhh..I'm getting more and more nervous now...7 more minutes and I'm outta here...Although I've already prepared my powerpoint presentation and my "kodigo", still I can't help these butterflies in my stomach from giving me this very different feeling..My hands and feet are sweating, my heart is pounding fast, and my mind's swirling with different thoughts..What if the students find my lecture boring? Or what if I make fun of myself while in front of them (bloopers happen...u know)...

Tic..Tac..Tic..Tac..3 minutes more..So I have to get outta here..wish me luck folks...

Dear Baby Guian

Mommy is here again...writing a letter as if you're already around and can actually read this...You know Baby, I'm really excited to see you, to hold you..I know when you're already here, things will be different..Mommy won't be this weak anymore, won't be crying like this again, and won't feel so down...

I love you so much anak...I'm trying to be strong for your sake...But I know, I'll be stronger if I can already see you and touch you...90 days more Guian, and I'm still counting until the day you come out from me...May God continue to guide us and give me more strength to surpass all these hardships that I'm going through now..I don't want to be pushed beyond my limits because I know this is just a test...I'll just think about you and forget those who are trying to bring my spirits down...And thank God that there are still a few who truly sees my worth, our worth...

You're my strength Guian...You are my angel...And Mommy loves you so much!