Monday, October 29, 2007


I had my prenatal checkup again today. Am now at 39 weeks, and getting more worried as my due date comes closer. But i'm not worried at all about going into labor, what i'm more worried about now is the fact that the baby's head suddenly doesn't want to engage. three weeks ago, my OB told me that my baby's head has already engaged and that my exterior os is already opened. so, i was expecting that this baby will come out earlier than my EDD. but now, i don't know why Baby Guian has suddenly decided not to come out yet. when my OB did an internal exam awhile ago, she said that my interior os is still closed and that my baby's head is still far. she then told me to undergo another pelvic ultrasound to check the baby's position and condition, and see if there's a possibility that i might have a cesarean section.

CS DELIVERY??? NO WAY!!! i've heard lots of stories from women who gave birth via c-section and most of them were not wonderful experiences at all. from the expenses up to recovery, normal delivery is far more advantageous than c-section. i did a little research about the disadvantages of this kind of birthing process, and here is the information i found:

Disadvantages — Because cesarean delivery involves major surgery and anesthesia, there are some disadvantages compared to vaginal delivery.
  • Cesarean delivery is associated with a higher rate of injury to abdominal organs (bladder, bowel, blood vessels), infections (wound, uterus, urinary tract), and thromboembolic (blood clotting) complications than vaginal delivery.

  • Cesarean surgery can interfere with mother-infant interaction in the delivery room.

  • Recovery takes longer than with vaginal delivery.

  • Cesarean delivery is associated with a higher risk of abnormal attachment of the placenta in subsequent pregnancies, which can lead to serious complications.

  • Incising the uterus to deliver the baby weakens the uterus, increasing the risk of uterine rupture in future pregnancy. This risk is small and depends upon the type of uterine incision.

Knowing all these, not to mention the high cost for cesarean delivery these days, all the more worries me, thus, im praying doubly hard that i will go into labor soon and that my baby's head will already engage in my pelvis.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Good Job, GUIAN!

I'm so proud of my baby, he did a very good job these past two weeks - and that is holding on to Mommy's tummy until he reached 36 weeks. Yup, he is now at 36 weeks. Although he still needs to be inside me for at least a week to be considered full-term, still I'm glad that he has come this far in spite of the things that we have been through together all throughout this pregnancy.

Last September 22, I went through a premature labor, on which my cervix already dilated to 1cm. I was too worried because Guian then was still at 34 weeks, premature at that. When my OB told me to file a leave in the office and have a complete bed rest, I immediately obliged because I don't want to put my baby's health at risk. So now, 2 weeks have passed, with me back to work, Guian is still inside - thanks to my OB's advice and prescription. But of course, thanks Guian for being such a good baby to Mommy (I talked to him not to come out early and he obeyed Mommy)...

Anytime from this day on, Guian can come out from this bulging tummy. I can hardly wait..I'm so excited but scared at the same time..Just the thought of labor gives me the creeps. (Hmmm..what if I started feeling the labor pain here inside the office?) I certainly hope I won't, but not at the middle of the night as well.

Everything is set for his grand debut - his things, my things, and of course the camera for documentation. I can't wait to see this little he looks? what features he got from me or from his papa? how loud his cry will be?

Of course, it would have been better if his papa is here to witness his grand entrance into this world. but well, life deprives my baby of this, so Mommy will just do all the welcoming, together with Mommy's family, friends, and officemates. I'm just not sure if any of his papa's relatives will come and see him for the first time.

"Oh Guian, my journey of carrying you for 9 months will soon be over. although you have made me went through a lot of problems and difficulties, I will never ever regret the day that I found out you're inside me. you brought a different light and meaning into my life. "

Thursday, October 04, 2007

When is Enough..Really Enough?

It's October now, yet it seems my struggles are not yet over. Perhaps, as long as this baby is inside me, I'll still be very emotional, moody, and oversensitive. The past weeks, I thought my emotions were already stable; but I was wrong. The more I hide my true feelings, the more it shows when the time finally comes that I couldn't bear the pain any longer. I don't want to be like this, I want to be strong...As my friend Ste told me, this is not supposedly the time for me to be too emotional...I tried, but I couldn't help it. I may try to ignore the pain now, but later on I would eventually voice it out.

I'm on my last weeks of my pregnancy, so I'm really hoping that after this baby comes out, I'll be the strong Phoebe again. The past 5 months have been really a struggle, every month I would say, "When is enough, really enough?" Enough of the pain, enough of the anger, enough of the resentment, enough of the regrets, enough of the punishments for that one mistake, and enough of making me feel so alone in this pregnancy...Is 5 months not yet enough for all the sufferings that I went through? Am I too bad to be punished like this? "When is enough, really enough? When?"

I know the pain of knowing that my baby will never be in a complete family will not go away, but I keep on asking, when will I get used to this pain? I want to get used to this pain as early as now so that when my baby is already here, he would see a strong Mommy who can be a mom and a dad to him at the same time. I don't want him to feel that something is missing on his life - a complete family just like the other kids. So, I'm really hoping that my emotions would be more stable once this pregnancy is over.