Thursday, October 04, 2007

When is Enough..Really Enough?

It's October now, yet it seems my struggles are not yet over. Perhaps, as long as this baby is inside me, I'll still be very emotional, moody, and oversensitive. The past weeks, I thought my emotions were already stable; but I was wrong. The more I hide my true feelings, the more it shows when the time finally comes that I couldn't bear the pain any longer. I don't want to be like this, I want to be strong...As my friend Ste told me, this is not supposedly the time for me to be too emotional...I tried, but I couldn't help it. I may try to ignore the pain now, but later on I would eventually voice it out.

I'm on my last weeks of my pregnancy, so I'm really hoping that after this baby comes out, I'll be the strong Phoebe again. The past 5 months have been really a struggle, every month I would say, "When is enough, really enough?" Enough of the pain, enough of the anger, enough of the resentment, enough of the regrets, enough of the punishments for that one mistake, and enough of making me feel so alone in this pregnancy...Is 5 months not yet enough for all the sufferings that I went through? Am I too bad to be punished like this? "When is enough, really enough? When?"

I know the pain of knowing that my baby will never be in a complete family will not go away, but I keep on asking, when will I get used to this pain? I want to get used to this pain as early as now so that when my baby is already here, he would see a strong Mommy who can be a mom and a dad to him at the same time. I don't want him to feel that something is missing on his life - a complete family just like the other kids. So, I'm really hoping that my emotions would be more stable once this pregnancy is over.