Saturday, June 30, 2007

Life is what you make it...

I was browsing the other blogsites of my friends when I came across the webpage of Amiel. One post there was about the write-up he read on the Internet which entitled "Life is what you make it". I tried to search on it on google and found the exact lines that caught my eye.

"Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours."

I've been to several relationships and got really hurt. Perhaps its because I've given too much, and expected too much in return. I know, when I love someone, I give everything 100%, and nothing left for myself. This is where I went wrong...When I give 100% and receive only 50%, I start to complain, become demanding, possessive, and insecure. And so I realize that before I love someone, I should love myself first.

Loving someone and being loved in return is really the most wonderful feeling that anyone can ever experience. But what if one day, love suddenly fades? Then I don't think it was love in the first place. Perhaps, it was just infatuation. Because if you really love someone, you will stick with him/her through thick and thin. As what Olops says on his status, "If you can't accept me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best". That status shows a fair-weather friend, an idea I've read from the ebook Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. A fair-weather friend is someone who sticks with a person when she is loving, caring, and happy, but when she becomes upset and uncaring, he starts to distance himself and walk away. So, if the fair-weather friend can't stick with her when she needs him, then he doesn't deserve her at all when she is at her best.

Take note that there is no such thing as perfect person nor perfect relationship. There will always come a time for fights and arguments, and these fights will show the worst side of both parties. But if both share true love, these fights and negative attitudes will not be enough basis for love to fade and for the relationship to end. Instead, these will strengthen the relationship. But if what happened is the opposite, then it wasn't true love at all, only infatuation...Loving unconditionally means accepting the person for who she really is, for not trying to change her to meet ones standards and bringing out the "hidden beast" in her, for not putting her under probationary period where her attitude is being observed and once failed all the good things she did will be forgotten, and loving without expecting her to be perfect at all times and anything in return.

Friday, June 29, 2007



heart attack

According to our research, you'll be dead by
March 2038 at age 57

57.1 years

77.1 years As you can plainly see, you have less health and vitality than the average woman.

You have 11251.7 days left on this earth.
You've already lived 46% of your life.

Could this be true? Nooo, I don't think so...It's just a test, but it gives me the creeps you know..I can't die at 57..I still wanna spend more time with my grandchildren...

The test said that I've already lived 46% of my life...46%??? Is that so? With that percentage, I don't think I've already accomplished much in life..There's still a lot for me to do...

This test made me realize that life is indeed very short..If ever I really have 54% more to live, then i'd better make the most out of it...and there is no better way to make my life more fulfilling than to focus on the people whom I truly love and love me in return...

Do you also wanna take this test? Come on, try it! Just click on the link above and see for yourself..

Thursday, June 28, 2007

You don't know how much I miss you
I live each day as it comes
functioning in all my tasks
smiling when needed
even laughing at times
but inside I feel
that something is missing
each minute seems like an hour
each hour seems like a day
What makes this time bearable
are my thoughts of you
and the good times that we shared
knowing that I will be having your baby soon
and that you became a part of me,
of us even for a while...


Monday, June 25, 2007

An Innocent One

I'm so obssessed with babies right now...especially newborn ones like the cousin of my Baby Guian - his Kuya John-John...John-John is only a week old...I was there when he came out from his mom's womb..while looking at this newborn, I can't help but think about the wonder of childbirth..really it's amazing! hearing the first cry of the baby, seeing his skin for the first time, and feeling its soft touch...

I can hardly wait to see my Baby Guian..if his Kuya John-John is very cute, am sure he is as well especially if he has my dimples..really am so excited to see baby is only 5mos, and 4mos of waiting seems like eternity...I love you, Guian!

Thursday, June 14, 2007


Went to my OB today to have a check-up...i told her about the rashes. but now, she hardly notice any. so she asked me if i had a fever before the rashes appeared.. i told her no, and that i had already German measles last dec', she ruled out German measles and said that the rashes could have been due to acute viral infection since the weather is too hot today..but she still advised me to have bedrest for a week, and prescribed me vitamins...

i felt so relieved upon hearing this. ever since i saw the rashes last night, all i did was cry coz i was really worried about my baby. but now, i can already rest without worrying too much..the 1-week rest that the doctor gave me will be good for me and for my baby, since the past month and days had been so stressful for me...

so, time to rest for now, and just feel my baby do those little kicks inside my tummy..I LOVE MY BABY GUIAN MORE TODAY and i'll love him more and more everyday, 'til the day he comes out!!!

A Mom's Cry

"If a pregnant woman is infected with German measles there is a risk of damage to the unborn child."

I couldn't believe this!!! why is this happening now? God, why now? this morning, our operations manager already noticed the rashes on my face, but i just ignored his remarks since I did not see them myself. the day went on like usual, and i never thought that as the day ends, a shocking truth will wash over me - I HAVE GERMAN MEASLES!!!

when i clocked out, the guard told me that my face looked different, that there were rashes. and so i looked at it on the mirror...indeed, those rashes were signs of German measles...i immediately remembered the time when i had a German measle in 2005 and researched a lot about it...and when it came to me that the effect of this would be on my baby, i tried so hard not to cry especially when i was riding the jeepney. before going home, i decided to drop by here at the nearest cafe to research again on the topic...and 'twas there, right in front of my face, telling me that the rubella virus can pass through a woman's bloodstream to infect the unborn child...GOD, WHY NOW??? WHY MY BABY??? MY BABY DOESN'T DESERVE THIS...AM THE ONE WHO MUST BE PUNISHED FOR MY SIN, NOT HIM...NOT MY BABY GUIAN...

i'm so confused right now...what will happen next? and another thing that's worrying me is that i wont be able to work for a couple of days, even weeks, so that means, i won't also have any salary...I CAN'T GET SICK NOW!!! and while am still online, i saw Ghie went online...i had second thoughts about telling him this...but as a father of this baby, i think he should, i tried to message him, "kumusta po?"...but he never replied...and since he's not interested to talk, i decided not to tell him..what's the use right? i feel so angry with him right now...i know, i have the right to feel this way coz he's supposed to be there for the baby - HIS BABY...why does he have to ignore including the baby? i can bear the thought that he ignores me, but not the baby...not this innocent one...darn, im crying now..i don't care what these people beside me in the cafe would think...i can't help it anymore...THIS IS TOO MUCH!!!for the past month and days, i did nothing but to understand and accept that everything was my fault...but the way he's behaving now, this is really too much...

i don't know how i'd handle this...the past month, id been very strong...but now that the baby's health is at risk, darn, i don't know what to do...I just want to pray and pray, and hope that my baby will be ok..."Punish me Lord pls....not Baby Guian...not him..."

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Things really change!

It's been days now since I last posted here. And now, while browsing the pictures i saved in my pc, i decided to write what's on my mind. while looking at the pics, i can't help but feel sad, especially when i saw this one. this test was the first proof that 5 months from now, i'll be having a cute little baby in my arms once again (I just hope it's a boy this time).

last feb 26, when i first saw this test, of course i felt afraid; afraid because i knew that my family will be angry and disappointed again especially my father. and even if i've seen it coming, i never thought that i would feel that way, although deep inside me I was happy and excited because i did it out of love. i've already informed everyone. and as expected they were disappointed. But what can they do but to accept what i'm going through now.

From feb 26th upto may 5th, i never felt alone on this pregnancy because the father of my child has always been there. but things changed lately, and suddenly i felt abandoned. I asked myself why now? Why now when i needed him the most? The past month, I kept on seeking for answers, thinking if what has happened to us...and never have i thought that those days when i was seeking for answers, little by little i became a slave of depression. every night i would cry myself to sleep, self-pity, and worst i'd consider myself as a loser and a failure.

but after talking to father paul and had a self-assessment the past month, i realized that I had my own faults why this thing happened. At first, I had difficulty accepting it. But with God's help, I was able to do so, and got the courage to ask for forgiveness to that one person I've hurt most. I also realized that feeling sorry for myself will never do me any good, even to my baby. the best thing that i can do now is to focus on this little angel inside me and start to build myself again by letting go of the things that i cannot have and i can never bring back and by accepting the things that i can never change.

The past months, my life revolved on the father of my child,and so now that he's not around, I had difficulty adjusting and making changes in my daily routine especially now that I'm in my new home, living alone. morning, lunch, and evening became totally different for me, but i have to accept it now. letting go of him is not at all easy, but i'm trying so hard now for my own peace of mind and for my baby's sake.

if only this baby can talk now, he would say, "Mommy, pls stop crying and worrying about Papa. am sure he's doing ok there. am also suffering when u are depressed. if papa is not around, maybe he has his own reasons. you've already done a lot for him to make him happy and feel loved, and exerted the effort to save our supposedly "complete" family. if he is not with us now, we have to accept it..maybe he just needs time and space, maybe he wants to move on with his life without's high time you do something for yourself, Mommy, and for me. he can't be your only source of happiness, am also here Mommy, am also here... if he can't stick with us, then we'll just have to make it through without him. we just have to let him go and move on with our lives. but even if we had separate lives, we will always love him, care for him, and remember him as a big part of us."

Things really change, and even people change. i feel sad of course that for the third time i failed building a complete family. i just hope I'll have a ready answer when my baby starts to grow and questions me where his papa now, it's just me and my baby...5 months more to go before i can see and hold this little excited, super excited. if only i can pull the days and make it nov2 already(my due date)...but well of course i can't do that..for now, i'll just watch my tummy bulge and feel the little kicks and movements that my baby does inside...

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Prodigal Daughter

Tomorrow is Papa's birthday...Last year, my brother and I surprised him with a birthday party. But this year, I don't know how it'll gonna be.. Until now, we're not yet talking..and the last time I saw him was when I left the house a week ago to move to my new place...

I've always loved Papa, but just like any other daughter, I am not perfect, I commit mistakes and disappoint him..and now, it's not just once, twice, but it's for the third time, so I'm sure it would be so difficult for me to please him again and make him proud of me as a daughter...

I even remembered yesterday, when i was talking with some of my officemates, i mentioned to them that in the "Prodigal Son' story, the son came home only once and his father accepted him; but on my part, as a "prodigal daughter", this is the third time...some would say that I'm so stupid to commit the same mistake over and over...and partly, I would agree..

But, I have no regrets with any move that I make in my life...Because just like what my bestfriend Krisma told me, I want to learn things the hard way..I know, often times i make decisions where i let my heart rule instead of my mind..but no regrets..i always believed that whatever actions i do, i will be ready for the consequences, and such consequences will teach me the hard lessons that i need to learn in life...

Tomorrow will be Papa's birthday, so what am I gonna do? I was thinking of having a party for him, but what if he'll just ignore me when i go there? or what if i would invite him, tita, and my half sisters out for lunch or dinner, will they ever accept my invitation?

Darn, i feel like crying now...i felt as if, in just a snap of a finger, my father became so distant..or perhaps i was the one who became so distant to him...I miss him...I miss him so much...i miss our talks, especially when I whine about how pissed off i am at work...i miss those days he drives for me when i go to the office...i miss how he made me breakfast in the morning and prepared my lunch for noon...

how i wish, I'm still papa's little girl...wish i can be just like that, free from worries about life...but time passes, life changes, and I have to deal with it...i just hope in time, there's a room for forgiveness in Papa's heart for a "prodigal daughter" like me...

Friday, June 08, 2007

I want my SONY TV!!!

I was really pissed off when I went to Abenson's today. I was supposed to pay and pickup the Sony Wega TV that I have been eyeing on for a month now. ( See the image? ) That's exactly what I wanted, the SONY 21-inch FD Trinitron WEGA Color TV...It has really cool features such as:
21" Flat Display
• Wega Gate Navigator
• FM Radio
• Intelligent Signal Booster
• MTS Stereo
• 5 Band Graphic Equilizer
Unfortunately, when I arrived there at Abenson's after work, the salesguy that I'd been talking to for a couple of days now was nowhere in sight. His name was Matthew. Other salesguys there told me that Matthew was out somewhere setting up some stuff that I didn't bother knowing. So, one guy tried to assist me instead. I told him that I already have a reservation for the said Sony item and that Matthew assured me that I can get it by Friday. But really it's not my luck 'coz when the guy checked the item inside the stock room, there was no 21" Sony Wega there...I was really so disappointed. I was expecting that I'd be watching tv already when I get home. that definitely means that I would be doomed for another night without tv...
I have no choice, right? So, before going home, I decided to drop by here at the nearest internet cafe so I can at least spill my disappointment out by blogging. Anyways, I'll just have to check the item again tomorrow and hope that I could finally take it home with me...

A Fresh Start

This is now my new own blogspot...I've opened this account since June 2006, (whew, it's been a yr)but this is the first time that i'll be doing my first post..I don't actually know where to start writing, all I know is that this blogspot will be a nice way for me to have a fresh start - in expressing myself especially the ones that bother me most...I've been in a constant battle of depression, and I know that blogging is just the most effective way for me to overcome this...So, I don't really care if you will not like my posts, or you will find them so melodramatic...I just want to say what's on my mind now, and no one can stop me from expressing it right here in this place i call my own...