Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Things really change!

It's been days now since I last posted here. And now, while browsing the pictures i saved in my pc, i decided to write what's on my mind. while looking at the pics, i can't help but feel sad, especially when i saw this one. this test was the first proof that 5 months from now, i'll be having a cute little baby in my arms once again (I just hope it's a boy this time).

last feb 26, when i first saw this test, of course i felt afraid; afraid because i knew that my family will be angry and disappointed again especially my father. and even if i've seen it coming, i never thought that i would feel that way, although deep inside me I was happy and excited because i did it out of love. i've already informed everyone. and as expected they were disappointed. But what can they do but to accept what i'm going through now.

From feb 26th upto may 5th, i never felt alone on this pregnancy because the father of my child has always been there. but things changed lately, and suddenly i felt abandoned. I asked myself why now? Why now when i needed him the most? The past month, I kept on seeking for answers, thinking if what has happened to us...and never have i thought that those days when i was seeking for answers, little by little i became a slave of depression. every night i would cry myself to sleep, self-pity, and worst i'd consider myself as a loser and a failure.

but after talking to father paul and had a self-assessment the past month, i realized that I had my own faults why this thing happened. At first, I had difficulty accepting it. But with God's help, I was able to do so, and got the courage to ask for forgiveness to that one person I've hurt most. I also realized that feeling sorry for myself will never do me any good, even to my baby. the best thing that i can do now is to focus on this little angel inside me and start to build myself again by letting go of the things that i cannot have and i can never bring back and by accepting the things that i can never change.

The past months, my life revolved on the father of my child,and so now that he's not around, I had difficulty adjusting and making changes in my daily routine especially now that I'm in my new home, living alone. morning, lunch, and evening became totally different for me, but i have to accept it now. letting go of him is not at all easy, but i'm trying so hard now for my own peace of mind and for my baby's sake.

if only this baby can talk now, he would say, "Mommy, pls stop crying and worrying about Papa. am sure he's doing ok there. am also suffering when u are depressed. if papa is not around, maybe he has his own reasons. you've already done a lot for him to make him happy and feel loved, and exerted the effort to save our supposedly "complete" family. if he is not with us now, we have to accept it..maybe he just needs time and space, maybe he wants to move on with his life without us....it's high time you do something for yourself, Mommy, and for me. he can't be your only source of happiness, am also here Mommy, am also here... if he can't stick with us, then we'll just have to make it through without him. we just have to let him go and move on with our lives. but even if we had separate lives, we will always love him, care for him, and remember him as a big part of us."

Things really change, and even people change. i feel sad of course that for the third time i failed building a complete family. i just hope I'll have a ready answer when my baby starts to grow and questions me where his papa is...so now, it's just me and my baby...5 months more to go before i can see and hold this little angel..am excited, super excited. if only i can pull the days and make it nov2 already(my due date)...but well of course i can't do that..for now, i'll just watch my tummy bulge and feel the little kicks and movements that my baby does inside...


=_ChRisTeLLe_= said...

"Let us be of good cheer, remembering that the misfortunes hardest to bear are those that never happen." -James Russel Lowell

Cheer up! Just remember that God is with you...He will make a way where there seems to be no way. He may be working in ways you cannot see, but God is really making a way for you...