Saturday, July 14, 2007

Dear Baby Guian

Hi baby! It will still be years before you can actually read this letter, but by that time I'm sure you'll be able to understand what Mommy wrote here and why Mommy chose to keep you in spite of the many trials that I'm going through now. After you read this, I'm sure you'll be proud of me. But there's this fear that maybe you won't be able to forgive me for not giving you the complete family that every child deserves to have. I hope you will understand that I did try..even tried so hard...

I'm so excited to see you already..You're just 24 weeks, and I still need to wait for at least 12 more...I can't wait to see how you look. I wish you'll have my looks, my eyes, my lips, and of course my dimples. I want you to look so cute and oh so adorable, and I want you to be as smart and determined as Mommy.

I know it will be difficult for me to raise you alone, but Mommy will try very hard. I may not be able to take the place of your Papa, but I will do everything to give you the love, attention, time, and care that he's supposed to give. Whatever his reason is for not being with us, God only knows.

But I want you to know that I tried to reach out to him because I promised you, and he even promised you that we will be a complete family when you come out until you grow up. But he has changed, he's now a total stranger. He's not the - the same would-be Papa that we used to know. The loving and caring man that we knew, is now a man enslaved by pride, anger, and fear. I even asked where is now that man whom I used to love - the caring one, sweet, loving, and forgiving. The man that I talked to now thinks as if everyone is taking advantage of him, that the people close to him just love him because he can provide them with their needs. He begins to distance himself from us because he thinks we will leave him. But the truth is, we never left him and we never took advantage of him. We never even pressured him to give us support because we understand his situation.

All we needed was his love, his care, and a little of his time and attention. But why is it that his anger to his past, to those who took advantage of him, and to the things that happened to him before enslaved him now and we are the ones being punished. We are not the ones who hurt him in the past, we are not the ones who left him, and we are not the ones who made him feel a loser...but why is he punishing us to the extend that he even dismissed his dreams for us, for our family, and especially for you Guian. The man I talked to now is so cruel, so unfair, so selfish, and loves only himself...And honestly, I feel as if I don't even know him at all...Because the man I love, and the man who is supposed to be your Papa is very kind, sweet, caring, loving, understanding, and has big dreams for you..This man is gone Guian, he's gone - and we can do nothing but to let him go. Let's just be happy for him instead, and move on without him.

Anyway, I can now see that he's happy without us, and looks even happier when he punishes us because of his cold treatment...So, will we let this man continue to hurt and punish us in spite of the many times we showed him our love, care, and support? Will we let him continue to despise us just because Mommy made a mistake when she let herself be provoked? Will we continue to hold on to the thought that your Papa will come back and recognize you as his son? Or would we rather let go of him now, and start to forget about him completely because we can never bring him back?

The choice is ours Guian, and since you can't make a choice yet, I already made it for us...For your sake, I chose to move on and let go because your Papa will never come back. And I chose to despise the stranger now who's trying to bring us down and make us feel unworthy of his love and attention. If he is happy now, then we can also be happy...We'll just pray and hope that this man will realize that what he's doing now to us will not make him more of a winner, but a loser in the end because he let his negative attitude rule him instead of the positive.

So, hang in there Guian, 12 more weeks, 12 more...As each day passes, I become more excited. When the big day finally comes, Im sure I'll be the happiest woman in the world. I LOVE YOU!