Monday, July 09, 2007

My Prayer

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Today is supposedly our 5th monthsary. Five months ago, I was the happiest woman in the world, coz i thought finally God answered my prayers and gave me the right partner that I could spend the rest of my life with..As he gave me that ring and told me the words, "I love you", I could not believe that my dream finally came true, that I finally won his love..So, when I told him "I love you, too", I made a promise to myself that I'll make this relationship work this time and be the best that I can be.

But things didn't turn out the way I expected, and the truth today finally washes over me. I asked him why he changed and if indeed his love for me faded, he never replied. His silence is killing me, but I expected that coz I know how he is - if he doesn't love the person anymore, he would prefer to remain silent until the girl finally realizes that and let go. I admit, I cried when he didn't answer me, because it would be easier for me to accept if he is more frank. But what can I do, that's how he is..And I know, I could not change that.

He said the reason why his feelings changed was because of my attitude - demanding, nagger, negative thinker, confrontational, and most of all does not know how to control one's anger. I am aware of all of these, but I'm also aware that I am not like these towards him all the time. If what he feels for me is real love, these attitudes would have not been enough for his love to easily fade. I know I can change and be a better wife, all I asked from him was a little patience, a little understanding, a little time, and more assurance that he truly loves me and be there for me even at my worst.

A long distance relationship is not at all easy to maintain, it requires hard work. It requires more understanding and patience. One month, three months, four months, five, a year, two, or even four years should not be a probationary period, because change does not happen over night. I don't want to be demanding, to be a nagger, or to be easily angered, that's why all I'm asking from him is a little more patience because being in a long distance relationship, and pregnant at that is not at all easy. But he deprived me of this simple thing that I asked, because he thinks more of his anger, his hurt ego...I cannot erase all those hurtful words that I've said, but I've already explained why I said those and apologized.

He said he's not angry anymore, that he's already ok..But why is he still so distant from me, from us? We miss the old Ghie that we have..we miss him so I wish I can bring him back...and rebuild this family for the sake of Guian because my baby doesn't deserve to have a broken family. I love my baby so much, and I want to give him the best. How can I do that, if from the start, I could not even give him a complete family. But I have to accept this now...I can't go on hoping that the old Ghie will come back and love me and Guian again.

For now, I'll just be contented with what the new Ghie can give us, and we wish him the best in everything.