Friday, January 11, 2008

The Clown

"Clown" - defined as a person who amuses others by ridiculous behavior.

I think that very well suits me...Yeah, I amuse others by my silly jokes...Even without wearing that silly costume, make-up, and that cute big red nose, I can make other people laugh...I am happy to see them that way. I want to see their smiles because my own smiles are the smiles that can fool almost everybody...Behind the loud laughter, the silly jokes, the wacky experiences I share, and the senseless things that I say, is an aching heart that nobody will ever understand...

I am so depressed, but I don't want to dwell in this depression. I just don't know how to get over it that's why I resort to the easiest way, and that is to pretend that everything's ok and that I am fine. Making people laugh is my defense mechanism so nobody can ever see my inner core, of what's really deep inside me. Everyday, people expect me to be the bubbly one, the one who won't let a day pass without cracking a joke or uttering silly remarks...Perhaps, if I don't speak a word or two throughout the day, this would seem like a miracle for eveybody. Yes, it would be! But, I don't know if I can call this a weakness or strength, that in spite of the depression I feel, I still can pretend to be ok, crack jokes and make others laugh.

But I am tired of pretending! I AM NOT OK! I don't know since when, all I know is that I AM NOT OK! I have been putting on that mask for so long now, and still nobody can take that off from me...I want that off. I want people to see me, but I am afraid how people will react to see and know the real me. They are not used to see me as "weakling". They know that I am a strong person, that no matter how big my problems are, I can handle things on my own...But I am actually not, I need them to comfort me...I don't know when was the last time that I cried so hard in front of someone...But that's just what I need, I want to cry and cry 'til there's no more tears that come out from my eyes!

I may be a clown, but behind that I am still a person who wants to be loved. I don't want to think that I am hopeless, but that's how I feel. That's what others make me feel. I want to erase all the negative feelings that I feel, the depression, and the past hurts. I know everything happens for a reason, and perhaps the best is yet to come.


- maida - said...

"I may be a clown, but behind that I am still a person who wants to be loved."

bhem, you are loved...perhaps not by the person na gusto mo magpadaba saimo but your friends, including me...padaba mi ika...habo mi ika naiiling na naghihibi, nadidipisilan...d ko na talaga aram ang sasabihon ko saimo because in the end, ikaw man giraray ang masusunod kasi sabi mo ngani, buhay mo yan...kaya mo consequences...sana lang, pag nasa sitwasyon ka naman na arog kan dati, dai mo pagtaramon na sana nagdangog ka nlng sa mga nagapaalala saimo...