A Mom's Yearender Letter

Dear Baby Gaby,

As the year 2007 is about to end, my thoughts and feelings about our difficult yet amazing experience together filled my days. Although you’re in my arms now, I still couldn’t believe that God gave you to me. Having you has been one of the most difficult yet the most gratifying and joyous experiences that I had. There are so many trials that I have been through just to bring you into this world, but they are nothing compared to the joy that I felt when I heard your first cry and felt you in my arms. I know time flies so fast, and before I even notice, you are already a grown up and will start asking me questions.

As I look at you now, I feel this overwhelming urge to write down my feelings and there is no better place to publish it than here in this place I call my own. If in the future you have an opportunity to read my posts here, I think that would be wonderful. Through this, you’ll be able to understand how my journey with you has started, how it made a big difference in my life, and how it taught me very important lessons. So, take your time, and hopefully as you read further, you will understand more why is it just you and me now.

It has been a year ago since I met this guy who is a big part of you. We started as friends online, and we did spend a lot of time chatting about anything under the sun. He immediately caught my interest because he was such a nice guy, humorous, and sweet. The chatting went on for months, and eventually I found myself clinging on to his presence, until I finally fell in love. We started a relationship online; something that I knew would not last since we haven’t even met in person. And indeed my instinct was right, because later on I found out that he loves another girl. It hurt me a lot, but what can I do but to give way and move on with my life without him. But as nice as I am, I accepted his apology when he said sorry, and considered him as one of my good friends instead.

My friendship with him was incomparable. I found not just a friend but also a brother in him. He became my confidant, my crying shoulder, my clown, and my best buddy who was always there ready to listen to my whining and give me good advice if I seem lost for solutions to my problems. I was a friend and a sister to him in the same way, always there to support him and help him in any way possible just to ease out his burdens especially when it concerns his family. That friendship was really amazing, Gab. And I thought that friendship was enough to become a strong foundation for a lasting relationship. So, when he said that he is coming home and he has plans to meet me, I prayed really hard, asking God for signs if it would be right for me to meet him and accept him back to start a more serious relationship.

Feb 5^th 2007 – the date of his arrival. I was too anxious to meet him. I waited for his call. There was nothing. I felt frustrated; maybe he was not interested to meet me after all. I spent the night crying myself to sleep. When morning came, and still there was no call, I already lost hope that he would still show up. Then noon came, my phone rung, and when I answered, I hardly recognized his voice – yes it was him, Gaby..that same familiar voice that I talk to in voice chat for the past months. He said that he was arriving that day, and asked if I would want to meet him at the airport. I didn’t have the courage to go there so I just told him to drop by at the office instead. At around 4pm, there he was, right in front of me. I felt mixed emotions, excited and nervous at the same time, especially when he gave me the chocolates and flower. I couldn’t take my eyes off him, too overwhelmed about the feeling of finally meeting the guy that I have long prayed for. That day was just the start of it all.

Feb 9^th 2007 – the day when he finally said that he loves me. I was so happy of course, so I replied, “I love you too Nhoy! Our commitment and promise to love each other even if we are miles apart started this day. So, he brought me to his place to meet his family. I had a great time there, Anak, though the trip to his place was a little tiring. And when he introduced me to his mother, I was too nervous because she might not like me. Good thing, she was very nice to me and treated me well. You know Gab, when we were there at his place, we had a great time together. I even took a video when we were walking on that “forest”; we were just laughing all the time. When you’re big enough, I will show you the video.

(we had so much fun during Bunuan)

Feb 14^th 2007 – but just like in any arrival, the day has come for him to leave. Yes, he has to leave! If other lovers were happy to celebrate the Valentines Day, for us it was a parting day. All he left me were memories, happy memories of the times we spent together. We had a promise that even if we are miles apart, we will always be there for each other and that we will prove to everyone that our relationship was strong. He left me with so much hope that indeed our relationship will last.

(on the way to NAIA..with fake smiles on our face)

Feb 26^th 2007 – this is a very significant day that concerns you, Gab. Why? Because this was the day when I found out that you were inside me. I had the test, and the result showed that indeed I was pregnant. I felt mixed emotions: excited, nervous, scared, happy, and confused. I asked myself, where do I start? How will I tell everyone about you? But before I took my second step, of course I informed him about you. He was excited and happy, and from that day on, he showed how caring he was

Mar 5^th 2007 – my birthday! He surprised me with a gift, 3 red roses. I felt happy and appreciated his effort because even if he was miles away, he never let me feel that I was alone during my birthday. My happiness grew even more when I took another pregnancy test to make sure that you are indeed inside. And again, it showed positive result. We were both very happy to know you were really here. But we knew for sure that it will be the start of more difficult trials for both of us.

Mar 9^th 2007 – our first monthsary! We just spent the day chatting and talking on voice chat. Of course, every once in a while, he asks about your condition. Although I was beginning to be very emotional since I was on my first trimester, he was very patient with me and tried so hard to understand the pregnancy that I was going through.

April 29^th 2007 – his birthday! We sent him a birthday card (that’s all we can give since he was far. But we promised him a gift (the PS3 that he longs for) once he is already with us.

May 1^st 2007 – I spent half of the day with your Ninang Divine, looking for a place to rent so you and I can start a new life together.

May 5^th 2007 – the last online conversation that he and I had. After that, he said his laptop was busted that is why from that day on, he failed to call me and ask about how we were doing.

May 13^th 2007 – Mother’s Day! I felt frustrated that he never called to greet me, just to show his appreciation of having you inside me. Instead of a celebration, that day became the start of never-ending arguments from him and me, plus it was the day when I had an argument with his cousin-in-law, which led me to send that text message that ruined the nice relationship that we had. And that was the day when he started making me feel so alone and putting me into very difficult tests just to see if I’ll gonna make it through without him.

May 18^th 2007 – I left a letter at home to finally inform Papa, your Lolo, about you. I was too scared. I traveled that day to Daet and stayed at your Ninang Jo’s place for a couple of days.

May 21^st 2007 – I went back home from Daet and I was told that your Lolo was so angry after reading my letter about you. So, I made a decision to finally move out and find our own place which we can call our home. You know, I tried to call him to patch things up because that was the time when I needed him the most. But he declined my calls and never replied on yahoo messenger. I felt so alone Gab..So alone.

May 31^st 2007 – you and I moved in to our new house Gaby. You were only 3 months back then. I had a hard time leaving my room, the place which had been a witness of my ups and downs since I was 10yrs old. But it was my choice, so even if I was alone, I stick with my decision.

June 15^th 2007 – I got sick. I thought it was measles. Good thing, it was not. You know, when I tried to talk to him, he ignored me. His cousin-in-law just relayed a message that before he loved me, until it became pity, then the love totally faded – meaning he no longer loves me. I felt so hurt, and all the more that he made me feel that I was alone..All alone in facing my problems, my pains, my hardships.

July 1^st 2007 – I told myself that I have to move on without him. I tried to be strong, in spite the feeling of being so emotional due to my pregnancy. I kept myself busy with work, going home late so I will be too tired to even think about him and self-pity because he left me during the most difficult time of my life.

July 15^th 2007 – he suddenly sent me a message, only to confront me about a message that I sent to a girl whom he said was a friend. It was a very traumatic day; he said so many hurting words which until now I couldn’t forget.

August 6^th 2007 – I had my ultrasound only to get disappointed with the result because your gender was not seen.

September 22^nd 2007 – I experienced premature labor. I was so scared because you were only 32 weeks then. So, I took a leave in the office and had a one-week bed rest. You were a very obedient baby, you held on tighter to Mommy so you’ll reach at least 36 weeks.

October 19^th 2007 – the date when I sent the supposedly last email for him because I was too angry when he failed to keep his promise of sending you support. I never knew the reason why he failed to do so, but I tried to understand him.

November 4^th 2007 – finally IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY! You are such an adorable child Gaby. And I thanked God that you were given to me. You’re a blessing, an angel in disguise.

November 8^th 2007 – he finally admitted that he has someone new. It was too painful, not because I was jealous but because I felt sad for you that you will really grow up in a broken family. There's a closure now. Before, I was still hoping that when he came home, we can talk and we can patch things to give you a complete family. But after that revelation, I lost every hope that you will have a complete family Gab.

November 22^nd 2007 – he asked if we can be friends for your sake. I said yes even if I’m still full of anger inside me. I didn’t want to deprive you of a fatherly love Gaby, so even if I wasn’t ready to communicate with him yet, I just set aside my own feelings. So from here you will see that I never distanced you from him. I was still concern about you, and I knew it was your right to know your father.

December 24^th 2007 – I appreciated the time he spent with us during the entire Christmas eve. When we were chatting, it felt as if he was his old self – the man I met in person last February. But on the second thought, he was still in Korea, and I believed that as long as he is there, he will never be the nice guy that I met and loved and the once excited father who had lots of dreams for you.

The year 2007 was indeed a struggle for me, and I want to apologize to you baby because you suffered with me. But in spite of these all, I am still thankful that I went through a very difficult time with you because I learned so many lessons. And you know that man I met in February, he is your father. When you’re big enough to understand things, you will see this photo of your father – the once happy couple who made it possible for you to see the beauty of this world and experience life. I know in time you and him will meet, and when that time comes you can ask him of his side of the story.

As the year 2007 ends, let’s leave all the hurts behind but treasure all the important lessons learned. Even if it's just the two of us here celebrating the new year, we will welcome 2008 with so much hope that this year will be better for us and that more blessings to come our way. I promise you Gab that it won't be like this in 2008. I will do everything so you won't feel that something is missing in your life as we celebrate Christmas and New Year.

As for your father, we will just wish him the best and hope that the year 2008 will be a blessed year for him as well. We may not communicate with him for a year but that doesn’t mean that we left him. We are always around, even if he had pushed us away not just once, twice, but a couple of times. Now, time to finally move on and leave the problems of 2007 behind. 2008 is a year to look forward to – a fresh start, a new beginning!

I love you,

Mommy

My Mind Is Drifting in Italy

I had a good time last night with my bestfriends Krisma and Ate Rhey. We spent our time gossiping and laughing the night out over beer and cigar (Esse courtesy of Krisma from South Korea). We went home at around 3am, so now I have a hangover, on which I looked as if my energy was totally zapped out. My body is here inside the office, but my mind seems to be somewhere else - in a place where I could totally relax and have fun like Italy.

Venice, Naples, and Florence are just some of the great cities that I want to visit in Italy, that is if I already have the fund to do so. The said cities are popular travel destinations and each has something to offer to both locals and tourists like me.

Venice, for one, is a favorite destination for lovers who are looking for a romantic getaway. Naples, on the other hand, is a home to many historical places and is considered the major cultural center in Italy. Visiting this place will sure be a very educational experience. And if you want to see more of Italy, Florence is another place to be. This boasts a lot of tourist attractions including well-known museums.

But whether it is Venice, Naples, and Florence that I will be given a chance to visit, I should see to it that everything will be planned accordingly in order to make the experience truly memorable. And one important thing that I should carefully consider is the hotel reservation.

Good thing, the Internet has now provided a simpler and easier way to check on hotel reservations in Italy. By simply going online, I can already find helpful information on Hotel Naples, Hotel Venice, and Hotel Florence. This online service will sure help tourists like me to book reservations easier and faster.

So, there's nothing for me to worry when the time comes that I would be able to make that real trip to Italy. But for now, I'd just let my mind drift to this exciting place.

A Dream Travel to France

My pregnancy has been a long and tiring journey. A few moms may not agree with me, especially those who were supported by their partners and families all throughout, but for me, it was. The whole nine months of carrying my Baby Gaby, with me alone on my place, was indeed a struggle. So before my due date, I already set plans of taking a nice break after I gave birth - and there is no better way to do it than to travel.

But where? I have no specific place in mind until I saw this documentary featured in one of the local TV networks. It highlighted the beauty of France, especially Paris.

France is well known for its cuisine, wine, language, and of course its culture. It offers a lot of exciting destinations, whether you want to experience the metropolitan way of life or be closer with nature at the countryside. It is also a nice place to study because it is a home to more than 250 universities, including specialized schools and American universities.

But the reasons why one should travel to France do not end there. There are still a lot more. So, to convince myself further, I searched for more information about France. And voila, I found this site that could give me the information that I need! From destinations and cuisines to current events and language, this site is of big help for would-be travelers like me.

France is indeed a nice place to travel and to explore. I just hope my dream travel to France could become a reality one day. But for now, I'd settle on learning more about this place to unravel more of France secrets.

Single Mom: Now Blogging for a Living

Yes, I'm finally back on blogging!

I have lots of things to write about because it's been a while since I last made a post here. But before I update you about the recent happenings in my life, especially about my Baby Gaby, let me first share to you one good news that I received this morning when I opened my email.

Smorty, an online service that connects advertisers with bloggers, just approved my blog! That is right! My blog, the place which I call my own, is finally on its way to help me achieve a more rewarding purpose - to get paid for blogging. By simply writing my opinion about products, services, and various websites on my blog, I can already earn something out of this passion. This is definitely a good news, don't you agree? With a 1-month old baby with me now, my expenses will soar in the coming days, so this will sure be of big help.

How did I learn about this? My colleauges Nays, Precy, and Mina had mentioned to me that they were earning through blog advertising. Actually, this was not new to me because if I remember it right, last July I was also considering signing up for sites which allow bloggers to get paid for blogging. But being busy as I was, not to mention that I was pregnant during that month, I set aside the thought and settled for blogging just for the sake of releasing emotional stress and sharing to others about my pregnancy.

Now that I have already given birth and recovered, I'm finally back! But this time I'm back for more, and that is to get paid to blog.

Who says I could not release my stress and earn at the same time through my blogs? At least now, I'm in for something which I can really look forward to - blog for money.

So, if you also have that passion for writing and want to earn, advertise on blogs now!

Back to Basics: Babysitting 101

After giving birth to Baby Gaby, I thought things would be a little easier for me. But I was wrong, I never expected it to be this hard, especially when Gaby's babysitter left last Friday without any advance notice. I immediately looked for replacement. and got one whom I expected to arrive today. But i got disappointed when I was told that her husband did not allow her to work for me. I just said, "what the h*ck?" So, this means that I'm doomed, and definitely this leaves me no choice but to take full responsibility of babysitting little Gaby.

Ever since Gaby arrived a month ago, I never had 8 hours or even 6 hours straight of sleep. So, now that I'm all alone in taking care of her, I won't expect to get even 4 hours straight of sleep in the coming days. I AM BACK TO BASICS!!!

Being a mother is not at all easy considering the babysitting task that one has to do in order to care for her baby. So, as a new mom to my cute girl named Gaby, I'll have to deal with this task in the coming days. Hmmm...actually, this is not new to me. But since I was more focused in working as a writer and a supervisor in the past years, I guess doing this will be a little hard since I'm all alone in my place, without a husband, a mom, a sister, a brother, a cousin, or an aunt to assist me with this day-to-day task.

I already started babysitting alone since Saturday. And to tell you what, it was really difficult. From preparing her milk, bathing her, and putting her to sleep up to washing her cloth diapers and ironing them after they dried, I had to manage my time well in order to do everything that has to be done. But the more difficult part of this is that, since I'm alone, I had to make the most out of the time when Gaby is sleeping to do some things for myself. I should take advantage of this time doing other things like preparing my food, washing the dishes, taking a bath, washing my clothes, cleaning the house, taking a nap, and of course, taking a break by going online to check my emails and chat with some friends for a couple of minutes.

My day starts and ends doing those things I mentioned above. Sometimes I hardly notice the time, which is really good so there won't be any time for me to entertain depressing thoughts. Gaby really brought major changes in my life this year. Sometimes I would ask myself, "Are you beginning to regret the consequences of your actions now, Phoebe?" Of course, my answer is no. Just look at how pretty my baby is and even you can tell that all these sacrifices are worth it. And besides, I don't think I will be babysitting forever. This will just be for now, so I need to have patience..patience..and more patience.

Looking through the eyes of Gaby...

"A new baby is like the beginning of all things-wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities. "

MY TWO-WEEK OLD BABY GAB

"Just by looking at you Gab, you bring me so much joy and inner peace which I could hardly explain. Don't grow up too fast, girl..I'll treasure every day that I spend taking care of you. I love you!" - Mommy

Over You

i love this song...i found it worth sharing so i post the lyrics here. it's in my esnips quicklist as well..so, enjoy listening...

OVER YOU
Chris Daughtry

Now that it’s all said and done
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of meeee

[Chorus]
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say,
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of other’s opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for meee

[Chorus]
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!

I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time agooo
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you

And I never saw it coming
I should have started running
I’m finally getting better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
And I got over you!!!
And I got over you!!!
And I got over you!!!

The day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you…

My Precious Baby GUIAN ABBY PAULINE

CS? NO WAY!

I had my prenatal checkup again today. Am now at 39 weeks, and getting more worried as my due date comes closer. But i'm not worried at all about going into labor, what i'm more worried about now is the fact that the baby's head suddenly doesn't want to engage. three weeks ago, my OB told me that my baby's head has already engaged and that my exterior os is already opened. so, i was expecting that this baby will come out earlier than my EDD. but now, i don't know why Baby Guian has suddenly decided not to come out yet. when my OB did an internal exam awhile ago, she said that my interior os is still closed and that my baby's head is still far. she then told me to undergo another pelvic ultrasound to check the baby's position and condition, and see if there's a possibility that i might have a cesarean section.

CS DELIVERY??? NO WAY!!! i've heard lots of stories from women who gave birth via c-section and most of them were not wonderful experiences at all. from the expenses up to recovery, normal delivery is far more advantageous than c-section. i did a little research about the disadvantages of this kind of birthing process, and here is the information i found:

Disadvantages — Because cesarean delivery involves major surgery and anesthesia, there are some disadvantages compared to vaginal delivery.

• Cesarean delivery is associated with a higher rate of injury to abdominal organs (bladder, bowel, blood vessels), infections (wound, uterus, urinary tract), and thromboembolic (blood clotting) complications than vaginal delivery.

• Cesarean surgery can interfere with mother-infant interaction in the delivery room.

• Recovery takes longer than with vaginal delivery.

• Cesarean delivery is associated with a higher risk of abnormal attachment of the placenta in subsequent pregnancies, which can lead to serious complications.

• Incising the uterus to deliver the baby weakens the uterus, increasing the risk of uterine rupture in future pregnancy. This risk is small and depends upon the type of uterine incision.

Knowing all these, not to mention the high cost for cesarean delivery these days, all the more worries me, thus, im praying doubly hard that i will go into labor soon and that my baby's head will already engage in my pelvis.

Good Job, GUIAN!

I'm so proud of my baby, he did a very good job these past two weeks - and that is holding on to Mommy's tummy until he reached 36 weeks. Yup, he is now at 36 weeks. Although he still needs to be inside me for at least a week to be considered full-term, still I'm glad that he has come this far in spite of the things that we have been through together all throughout this pregnancy.

Last September 22, I went through a premature labor, on which my cervix already dilated to 1cm. I was too worried because Guian then was still at 34 weeks, premature at that. When my OB told me to file a leave in the office and have a complete bed rest, I immediately obliged because I don't want to put my baby's health at risk. So now, 2 weeks have passed, with me back to work, Guian is still inside - thanks to my OB's advice and prescription. But of course, thanks Guian for being such a good baby to Mommy (I talked to him not to come out early and he obeyed Mommy)...

Anytime from this day on, Guian can come out from this bulging tummy. I can hardly wait..I'm so excited but scared at the same time..Just the thought of labor gives me the creeps. (Hmmm..what if I started feeling the labor pain here inside the office?) I certainly hope I won't, but not at the middle of the night as well.

Everything is set for his grand debut - his things, my things, and of course the camera for documentation. I can't wait to see this little thing...how he looks? what features he got from me or from his papa? how loud his cry will be?

Of course, it would have been better if his papa is here to witness his grand entrance into this world. but well, life deprives my baby of this, so Mommy will just do all the welcoming, together with Mommy's family, friends, and officemates. I'm just not sure if any of his papa's relatives will come and see him for the first time.

"Oh Guian, my journey of carrying you for 9 months will soon be over. although you have made me went through a lot of problems and difficulties, I will never ever regret the day that I found out you're inside me. you brought a different light and meaning into my life. "

When is Enough..Really Enough?

It's October now, yet it seems my struggles are not yet over. Perhaps, as long as this baby is inside me, I'll still be very emotional, moody, and oversensitive. The past weeks, I thought my emotions were already stable; but I was wrong. The more I hide my true feelings, the more it shows when the time finally comes that I couldn't bear the pain any longer. I don't want to be like this, I want to be strong...As my friend Ste told me, this is not supposedly the time for me to be too emotional...I tried, but I couldn't help it. I may try to ignore the pain now, but later on I would eventually voice it out.

I'm on my last weeks of my pregnancy, so I'm really hoping that after this baby comes out, I'll be the strong Phoebe again. The past 5 months have been really a struggle, every month I would say, "When is enough, really enough?" Enough of the pain, enough of the anger, enough of the resentment, enough of the regrets, enough of the punishments for that one mistake, and enough of making me feel so alone in this pregnancy...Is 5 months not yet enough for all the sufferings that I went through? Am I too bad to be punished like this? "When is enough, really enough? When?"

I know the pain of knowing that my baby will never be in a complete family will not go away, but I keep on asking, when will I get used to this pain? I want to get used to this pain as early as now so that when my baby is already here, he would see a strong Mommy who can be a mom and a dad to him at the same time. I don't want him to feel that something is missing on his life - a complete family just like the other kids. So, I'm really hoping that my emotions would be more stable once this pregnancy is over.

Toss and Turn

Toss and turn...That's what I did for almost 4 hours last night. I couldn't seem to get any sleeping position right. When I'm lying on my back, Guian would do these summersaults and kicks, so I would turn to the right side. But then, after a couple of minutes or so, I could again feel him banging at the right side of my tummy. I would, then, toss at the left side. But just the same, the movements won't seem to stop. the end result - am so sleepy right now and my head feels like spinning.

Baby Guian is now at 34 weeks. At least 2 weeks more, he will be in his full-term and can come out any minute. but i want him to stay inside for at least 4 more weeks. at 38 weeks, it will be the best time for me to give birth to this most-awaited angel. haven't you seen how excited i am for this baby? i think, the moment i started this blogsite, all I could think of and talk about is Guian...if I have tags here, perhaps when I search the keyword Guian, this site will rank first.

this is really a groggy day, even while writing this blog i could feel my eyes closing. does anybody here have a toothpick pls? all i could think of now is my bed, pillows, and a good day sleep. see, it's almost 11am but i haven't done anything really productive. i just spent the last two hours giving instructions about the new projects and looking at this MS word document where my keywords are waiting.

maybe an hour of sleep will make me feel better during lunch break. i really can't concentrate with my eyes feeling like this and my mind wishing that it would be 5:00pm already so i can go home and get a good night rest. But do you think i could even get one tonight? i terribly hope so...

Guian's Things Part II

Two weeks ago, I found the time to buy the remaining things that my Guian needs before his grand debut. There was a sale in LCC, so I grabbed the opportunity to enjoy great savings. Again, I took pictures of his things and posted them here.

I really enjoyed looking at Guian's things. These bring a smile to my face especially now that I'm on my 8th month of pregnancy. Very soon, I'll be seeing this cute little angel of mine...

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Today is DAY 222 of my pregnancy. According to my pregnancy calendar, I could be anxious and restless about labor beginning today. Indeed, what it said was right. I'm really getting more restless, just thinking that 7weeks from now, I could be delivering my baby. Actually, it's still 58 days more to go before my due date. But since I'm taking so much stress from doing my obligations here in the office, including the freelance writing work that I have to do when I get home, this baby could come out earlier than expected. I'm even planning to file my maternity leave starting from 3rd week of October, so my last working day would be October 20th. But before that date comes, I'm stuck with all these articles consolidation, reports preparation, looking after my subordinates, and leaving instructions to my colleague who will take over as the group supervisor while I'm on leave.

How I wish I could just sleep the whole month of September and then somebody just wakes me up when it ends...(Whew, dream on again Phoebe!) Before I go on vacation, (duh, i don't think I can even consider it as a vacation..with a newborn baby beside me, am sure it will not be all joys but more of bigger responsibilities as a Mommy) I definitely need to accomplish all my tasks and make sure that I delegate my supervisory responsibilities well. Even if there are mornings that I'd rather stay in bed than get up when my cellphone alarms at 6:10am, I just push myself to go to work and tell myself that everything will soon be over...

Am sure the whole month of September will pass like a blink of an eye. But for an expecting Mom like me, this will still be a long wait. So, I have no choice for now but to do my job, keep myself busy at home, and enjoy the remaining weeks that I live alone, and no baby to bug me at night for breastfeeding.

Looking Back

i was inspired by the the blogpost of my friend chie, so i made this one - especially dedicated to all the loving and great moms out there!

looking back at my pre-school days, i wanted to be a singer like Whitney Houston...i remembered those times when i would lip synch her songs while my playmates act as audience and put garlands around my neck (like in That's Entertainment)...I have always loved singing but I was not as gifted as Whitney to make it as a career. so, i did not become a singer, but i do know how to sing lullabyes - enough to put my Baby Guian to sleep once he comes out

looking back at my elementary days, i wanted to become a teacher like my 1st grade teacher. i loved to act like one, scribbling some words on the blackboard while my playmates act as my students. i also enjoyed checking their test papers, 'coz for once it was not me who did not undergo the testing..I have always loved teaching but I was not as dedicated as my 1st grade teacher. so, i did not become a teacher, but I do know how to teach my Baby Guian the letters from A-Z, numbers from 1-10, and the important lessons that he has to learn in life

looking back at my high school days, i wanted to become a lawyer like the ever-famous Atty. Katrina Legarda. I wanted to defend the poor and the oppressed so that they will find justice. I would even stand in front of the mirror and utter the usual line that lawyers say in court, "Objection your honor!" I have always loved the thought of being a lawyer and stand firm to what I believe is right, but I was not as witty and patient to pursue law like Atty Legarda..so, i did not become a lawyer, but I do know how to defend my Baby Guian in case somebody bullies him or mocks him just because he does not come from a complete family

looking back at my first year in college, i wanted to become an engineer like my mom. I chose chemical engineering for my course because chemistry has always been one of my favorite subjects. i enjoyed mixing chemicals during our laboratory class, and imagined myself that i was able to come up with something, medicine of some sort, which is worth introducing to the world. i dreamt to be called Engr. Phoebe Oxales but i was not as determined as my mom to finish the course. so, i did not become a chemical engineer, but I do know how to mix water with milk to bottlefeed Baby Guian

looking back at my second year in college, i wanted to become a military officer like my brother. I felt envious when i saw him wearing that military uniform, looking snappy, and being respected by many. i wanted to be a fighter for the good of the country, so I tried, took the entrance test, passed, took the physical and medical exam, failed - and that was the end of it all. so, i did not become a military officer, but I do know how to be a fighter for my Baby Guian - from the first time that i've learned that i have him until the day i die, i'll never allow anyone to hurt him in any way

looking back at my last years in college, i wanted to become an accountant like my accounting professor. i loved numbers and i enjoyed making computations especially when it comes to money matters. i even got very good grades in my accounting subjects in college. i really wanted to have my own accounting firm, but i was not given a chance like my accounting professor. so, i did not become an accountant, but I do know how to compute my earnings and expenses - and save a few for my Baby Guian's future

and looking back a year ago, i wanted to become an OFW in Canada so I can continue my dream of migrating. I tried to ask help from a good friend, but i did not like the condition he was asking in return. i, then, decided to do it my way - yet no opportunity. perhaps, last year was not the right time - and neither today. so, i was not able to travel and be in Canada, but I do know that something more beautiful is about to come my way - and that is my Baby Guian. even if i'm not an OFW now, I know he will be proud to have me as his mom because i really work hard just to provide him with his needs

looking back at the 26 years of my life, i will never regret that I did not become the person that I wanted to be. but I know, in my own way, I am a singer, a teacher, a lawyer, an engineer, a military officer, an accountant, and an OFW in one. i may not have the title and career that I've wanted but i'll always be proud that I have the most wonderful career and title in the world and that is to be - A CERTIFIED MOM!

i dedicate this blog to all moms out there, especially single moms like me. hope this inspire you. i know some of you are also thinking what your life could have been if you choose not to get pregnant and pursue your dream. let this help you in finding the answer. i may not have the career that i wanted, but i'll always believe that God's plans for me are better than mine...i know the best is yet to come..what's more important is that i kept my baby and never thought of abortion just to pursue my dream...i can still achieve my dreams, at the right time, at the right place, and with my baby beside me who will always serve as my inspiration and be the source of my strength...

My Baby's Ultrasound??? Not really...

Just this morning, Dex send me an MPEG file...He first asked me if I have a headset, I said yes but I said only one ( I was thinking that he will borrow from me )...It never occurred to me that the reason why he asked about the headset was because the file he's going to send me has sound effect...The filename was "baby ultrasound". In an instant, I got curious. I just had my ultrasound and the result wasn't clear, so I was really excited to see how the baby looks in the said file..When I played it, it really made me laugh so hard...Here is the video, check it out: (if it won't play on IE browser, try Mozilla)

The baby is sooooo cute right, and the video is really funny..The moment I heard the car starting, I really burst into loud laughter. I was imagining that it was my Baby Guian who's doing that..(whew, even on video like this, it's still related to cars huh!) And hmmm, I was thinking, perhaps this is what my baby does inside my tummy - maybe he's like stepping on the clutch when i feel him kicking..wehehe..(dream on Bhem!)

Thanks Dex for this video, and for the code as well so I can post it here..

Laugh 'til you drop...

Hahahaha..Hihihihi...There is so much laughter inside the office today. Different funny videos are circulating around, plus the funny messages from Olops. Got another video, this time from Naysan. I don't know where she first got it, but it definitely made me burst into laughter...

Could it be any worse???


And here's another one from Dex...

helpful kids

A Good Laugh

"Sometimes, people choose to leave not because of selfish reasons but because they just know that things will get worse if they will stay. Leaving can be a tough act and it’s harder when people can’t understand you for doing so."

I got this from my officemate Olops and after reading it, all I could say was "tumpak". I was on the verge of getting emotional, when he sent another message:

Olops Roderos: Sagot ni Inday nung tinanong sya ng amo nya kng bakit umalis si Angel Locsin sa Channel 7. Hahaha.. Walang kupas si Inday!

Grrrr...This colleague of mine can really make my day, actually almost everyone's day here at the office. You see, he won't pass a day without sending messages like this, on which at first you will think that he is very serious, but wait 'til you read the follow-up message...Burst of laughter comes next...Really nice...With the type of work that we do everyday, serious-but-funny-at-the-side messages such as these are really nice icebreakers. Who wouldn't want a good laugh anyway while writing or editing articles for the day?

Hope to read more messages like this from you Lops...We really need a good laugh in this "serious environment" that we call "office".

Guian's Things Part I

Entering my 7th month of pregnancy is getting more difficult: physically, mentally, and emotionally. I easily get tired now and when I experience Braxton Hicks contractions, I feel as if my baby is ready to come out. I also start feeling a little scared about the thought of going through labor again especially now that I am all alone when I give birth. No matter how hard I try to be positive about everything, still I come to a point where I feel down and ask myself why I have to go through this alone. Just like today, as I enter my place after attending the mass , a feeling of loneliness surged inside me. But instead of letting such feeling take over me, I tried to erase it and think about the things that make me happy. So, I just imagined that Guian is already here with me, hearing his cry, seeing his eyes, holding him close, and kissing his soft skin. As I do this, I remembered to check the things that I already prepared for him.

While taking pictures of Guian's things, I feel happy because 10 weeks from now, these will be used by Guian already. I enjoyed looking at the tie-side shirts, mittens, booties, feeding bottles, and blankets. These are just a few of the things that he needs; I still need to buy the rest like his crib, stroller, cloth diapers, baby bag, and all the other stuffs that newborns need. As soon as I complete everything, I'll again take pictures and post them here. I'm also thinking about getting a photo album for him and compile every picture that will remind me of his beginnings.

Guian is really my source of happiness, and I will do everything to be the best Mom for him. He came to my life for a reason - and for that I'll always thank God. Even if I am going through a lot of difficulties because of him, I will never ever regret that I choose to keep him.

I LOVE YOU BABY GUIAN!

Ultrasound Result

Maybe you've noticed why it took me so long to post my ultrsound result here..it's simply because I was too disappointed the past days to write a single word about it...Disappointed because the answer to the question "Boy or Girl" is still this one in the image... YUP! IT'S STILL A BIG QUESTION MARK!!! I was really frustrated last Monday because I was not able to know what the gender of my baby is. The sonographer said that my baby's feet were covering his/her organs, so he could not tell whether my baby is a boy or a girl.

What can I do, but to leave the clinic with so much disappointment. Although I was happy somehow to know that my baby is healthy and in good condition, still I couldn't help feeling frustrated because my very purpose of having that ultrasound was not achieved. So, until now, I don't know if I really have a Guian or a Guianne. And try to look at this image; I can hardly see my baby..Can you??? Anyhow, I just took everything positively and see the funny side of it, maybe my Guian-slash-Guianne is a shy baby and wants to surprise Mommy of what he/or she really is. Some of my friends told me to take another ultrasound because maybe in the second result, I'll already know the gender. But I decided not to because perhaps really my baby wants me to wait for the big day and he/she wants it to be more exciting for me.

So, I just have to wait for at least 10 more weeks, since my baby is now at 28 weeks...Anyways, I'll just give you an update once my baby is out of this bulging tummy...For now, I'll keep my fingers crossed that this baby is a boy and that he is healthy when he comes out. Good thing, the result showed no evidence of gross fetal morphologic deformities, no evidence of nuchal cord coil. and that the baby is in cephalic presentation (meaning the head down).. So, this means that my baby is healthy and that I can have normal delivery...What a relief, whew!!! (I don't like it to be CS delivery, so I really thank God.)

Such an Innocent Look

This is Baby Ethan, my super-duper handsome inaanak. When I saw his pic in his mom's blog, I fell in love with him, so I decided to post a blog about him as well..He's so adorable, isn't he? Look at his eyes, his lips, and his skin...He has a very innocent look and I can't seem to get enough of him. The last time I saw him was during his dedication or thanksgiving (christening for us Catholics)...He was only a month and a half then, but already so handsome...And now at 3 1/2 months, he even looks more handsome and jeezz I couldn't help but think that babies really grow fast.

His mom is miles away from him right now, but she does it not for herself but for his future. I totally understand why she had to make this choice -this tough decision. I salute her for being so strong. As for you Baby Ethan, in time, you will understand why your Mommy has to be away for now. She may not be with you, but her love for you will always stay...And Nang-nang Bhem will always be here..when my baby comes out, you already have someone to play with...so keep on growing, keep on smiling, and keep that handsome and innocent look...

My Horoscope Today

Checking my horoscope has been a part of my daily routine. Whenever I log in to blogger, I always check my horoscope to see what it has to say. Today, this is what it says:

"Pull in your energy and be a little less forceful over these next weeks. Oddly enough, you can actually accomplish more than usual during this time of retreat. Try to spend more time at home or at least within your own protective sphere. Even if this makes you a bit stir-crazy, remember that you are rebuilding your energy during this passing phase."

I don't usually believe this stuff, but sometimes it makes me ponder because there are times that I can really relate on what it says, just like the one I've written in the previous paragraph. The past days had been a little difficult for me, so perhaps I really need to pull in my energy and be a little less forceful these coming weeks. I need to focus myself on more important things like work and spend more time resting and pampering myself. Now, I even try to limit the hours I spend in front of the computer, and concentrate on other things that can make me happy so that I can really start moving on and prevent myself from getting too emotional and too weak. I don't want my baby to suffer just because I'm weak and I get easily affected with how other people treat me; so I decided that it would be best to contain myself and my baby in our own world - away from worries, problems, hurts, and sufferings which we don't deserve.

I'm beginning to rebuild my energy now that I've learned to finally let go and accept the reality that a complete family is not really for me and my baby. As I spend more time loving myself and my baby, I begin to realize that life is still beautiful in spite of the trials God is giving me. And even though this phase that I'm going through now will make me a bit stir-crazy, I know once I see and touch my baby for the first time, I will forget all the hardships that I went through and forget the pains that I suffered...

Boy or Girl?

In a couple of hours, I'll already know what the gender of my baby is. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. Excited because ever since I really wanted to have a baby boy. I even have a name for him already if ever he is really a boy. But nervous, because what if this is a baby girl...I don't know what I will feel if ever the result will show a baby girl...Since February, I've already set my mind to have a boy, and my expectations are really high that it would be..so if ever this is a baby girl, maybe I'll feel frustrated at first, but what can I do but to accept it...As long as the baby is healthy, it is fine with me.

Butterflies in my Stomach

Tic..Tac..Tic..Tac..The clock is ticking, and it's ticking fast...waaahhh..I'm getting more and more nervous now...7 more minutes and I'm outta here...Although I've already prepared my powerpoint presentation and my "kodigo", still I can't help these butterflies in my stomach from giving me this very different feeling..My hands and feet are sweating, my heart is pounding fast, and my mind's swirling with different thoughts..What if the students find my lecture boring? Or what if I make fun of myself while in front of them (bloopers happen...u know)...

Tic..Tac..Tic..Tac..3 minutes more..So I have to get outta here..wish me luck folks...

Dear Baby Guian

Mommy is here again...writing a letter as if you're already around and can actually read this...You know Baby, I'm really excited to see you, to hold you..I know when you're already here, things will be different..Mommy won't be this weak anymore, won't be crying like this again, and won't feel so down...

I love you so much anak...I'm trying to be strong for your sake...But I know, I'll be stronger if I can already see you and touch you...90 days more Guian, and I'm still counting until the day you come out from me...May God continue to guide us and give me more strength to surpass all these hardships that I'm going through now..I don't want to be pushed beyond my limits because I know this is just a test...I'll just think about you and forget those who are trying to bring my spirits down...And thank God that there are still a few who truly sees my worth, our worth...

You're my strength Guian...You are my angel...And Mommy loves you so much!

Break..break..break...

I saw the blog of my officemate here named Y***, and I can't stop laughing when I read one of her posts entitled, " The Wallclock, Bow!". This girl is cool, I mean she can really come up with a post that fast, to think that the wall clock or wall clocks at that were just hung yesterday. And mind you, she even took pictures of the said wall clocks, one at the pantry and another near the Content Dev't department. (isn't it obvious that the clocks were really intended for us??hmmm) So, what do these clocks mean?

Well, well, well...as far as i know, they say some of us here in the department are going overbreak..(ahem, am i included in the list? ssshhhh..preggy's are supposedly excemption to the rule..wehehehe) so, perhaps the wall clocks are intended to remind us of the allowed break time.

but can i just give some figures here? For the month of June, my group had 4 SCWs and 13CWs reaching the productivity milestones, 7 of which even reached the 100%. And I, as the CDS, even reached my target of 70%...so basically, going overbreak has no effect at all on our productivity...but since it's in the company policy, we are required to follow..

so guys, when its break time, always remember to look up and check the time...And time now is 10:58am - IT'S LUNCH BREAK!!! CHOW TIME!

My Last Letter to You

The day I met and got to know you was one of the happiest days in my life. We started as friends and as days passed by we get to know each other even more. From that time and the days that followed, indeed my life became so meaningful because you were my inspiration. Until the day you said you love me and I said I love you too, that made me the happiest person in the world. How I wished the time can stop right at that moment so I can cherish it for a long time.

Days have passed and we were so sweet and full of love to share. You taught me how to love like I have never really loved before. You also taught me that I was special and that I only deserved all the world's greatness. You taught me that I was truly an angel from above, and that there are people out there who are worthy of my love. Everything went well between us and that was really great. But then you also taught me that love doesn't really last forever unlike in fairy tales and that those you love can lie to you.

When you said that you don’t love me anymore, it left me torn into pieces. Those words hurt me so bad, so bad that it made me the saddest person in the world.

Now I sit here and said to myself, why did I let myself fall in love so hard with you like you are the only man in the world? Why did I allow you to teach me all those things? Why did I let you hurt me so bad? You said I deserve to be loved and that you will take care of me, but why did we end up this way? Many days had passed by and I had a hard time getting through what had happened. But good thing I was able to realize and cope up with all the things that happened to us. Now, I understand why we had to say goodbye to each other, but not with the one inside me, our baby.

Now, I want to thank you for all the precious moments and magical times we had shared, as well as all the meaningful words you said to me that made me believed you will love me forever, that you will be there for me through thick and thin, and that we will prove to everyone that our love is strong and real. Even though we are no longer together, I want you to know that I'm not that mad with you anymore. Actually, there is no hatred inside me, only wishes that you will still be the good man that I used to know and that you will achieve your dreams even without me as your wife to support you all the way. But remember that I'll always be a friend to you, giving you that moral support that you need. I want to say thank you for everything. Though I still really want you back because I need you, we need you, sad to say I can't have you again for we have wasted our love so many times.

I'm really sorry for all the times I was so self-centered, but you know I had devoted enough time for you. Sorry for all those words I told you which discouraged you to love me even more. If only I could be given another chance to show you that I’m worthy of winning your love, and could allow ourselves to show once more how we really feel about each other and could have each other back, certainly we will never have to think about leaving each other again. I will fill your heart with so much care and love. I will even spoil you so that you will know I really do love you even though you are so far away from us. But, what else can we do, can I do? It looks like you really don't want us again.

Life for us still goes on, I will not waste my time hoping that you'll love me again, so all I should do is focus and take care of my baby. I just wish you will be able to find the right girl who will love you more than I do; the one who could really love you the way you want to be and whom you could really love and never ever leave. You may find her one of these days and she may be prettier, smarter, and funnier than me, and everything you want from a girl who will sooner or later be your wife. On my part, I just wish myself and my baby that we will always be healthy until I give birth to him. We will live a happy life together and promised not to leave each other whatever happens.

I really don't want to lose you, us, and the complete family that we once promised to each other and to our baby. I've tried to make things work out, but failed. I even asked myself why I'm always a failure when it comes to you. But no more self-pitying, so now I am already moving on and looking forward to more great things to happen to me. If you are already happy without me, I also deserve to be happy even without you. And I also deserve to be loved by someone who is not you.

Just wanna share my thoughts...

I had a tiring day, but it was great. Today was Nathan's 1st b-day, baby of my friend Stella. I was happy to see that Nate is now very handsome and looks exactly like his mommy. I even told Stella that Nate is her carbon copy, her boy version.

While looking at them during the party, I couldn't help but think about my Baby Guian. I become more excited to see my baby, and hold him for the first time. Actually, I'm still not sure if he's really a boy, but I'm hoping and praying that he would be. Two weeks from now, I'll be having my ultrasound, and I can't wait to know if he is a he or she is a she. If ever she's a girl, I don't have a name in mind yet. Maybe you guys out there can give me a suggestion...

I talked to my baby's Papa a while ago, and I was happy to read his message saying "love you baby". The past months, I already accepted that we mean nothing to him already. But reading these words from him a while ago, of course I felt happy because in spite of what happened to us, I still want my baby to be loved by his father. I already come into terms that I never really won his love in spite of the love, care, support, and understanding that I gave him. My only concern now is the welfare of my baby...I'm glad to know that he has dreams for Guian. as for me, I know the best is yet to come and God's purpose why He let us break-up will be revealed in time.

Three more months of waiting...But this won't be too long because time flies so fast. See, it's almost end of July again, and once Ber month comes, we'll hardly notice that the year is soon to end. But before it ends, I'll be a proud Mommy again because I chose to give my Baby Guian the greatest gift of all - THE GIFT OF LIFE!

MIssing my BFFs!

I decided to go home a little early tonight so I can have enough rest. I've been a little restless lately, so I thought that I'd better get off to bed early this evening. But just when I'm dozing off, I heard my phone ring. At first, I thought it was just part of a dream. But when it wasn't, I wondered who the caller would be. It was from one of my bestfriends - Ate Rhey...

We chat for nearly 30 minutes, and all we did was just laugh and laugh about the things that we used to do together. She of course asked about my condition, and if I'm doing ok. I said yes, everything's fine with me. I told her that I can't even wait to see her, and that she should be here in Legazpi when I give birth on the end of October; anyhow it will be near Nov. 1 so she can take a vacation by then.

Actually, Krisma and I are planning to visit her in Manila at the end of the month. I just don't know if that will push through, but I sure hope it would because I also need a few days away from here, to unwind and take a break from work pressures.

I'm really so lucky to have bestfriends like Krisma and Ate Rhey...We have been through so much - and after 15 years of being friends, still we're here for each other. I know I disappointed them for so many times, including this pregnancy that I'm going through now. But as my BFFs, instead of leaving me, they stick with me at my worst and never made me feel that I'm alone on this condition.

So, I'm looking forward to our Manila trip on the end of July..If that won't push through, then we'll just have to wait 'til I gave birth so we can start planning our out of the country trip...Hongkong? Macau? Singapore? Malaysia? Hmmm...Any destination will do, as long as it will happen this time, with the three of us together boarding that plane...

For now, it's time to go back to bed...Zzzzzz...Nyt Guian!

Baby is now at 24 weeks!

I went to my OB today to have my monthly prenatal checkup. I was a little early and so as I waited, the clinic attendant got my BP and my weight. I was thankful that until now my BP is normal which is 100/70 and my weight is 61kgs. During my first pregnancy, I had pre-eclampsia so I'm trying so hard now not to experience that again. I make sure that I won't exceed the expected weight 'til I give birth and that I eat the proper diet so that my BP won't rise.

When my OB arrived, she immediately asked me to lie down to get the fundal height of my abdomen. It increased from 12 inches last June to 20 inches now, so that simply means that Baby Guian is really growing, and he is growing fast. Actually, he looks like the one in the image now..It's so nice to see that his body is really fully-developed. After the fundal height, the doctor let me hear his fetal heartbeat, and I felt relieved to hear that his heart is beating well, around 140beats per minute.

Then, my OB asked if I'm already experiencing cramps, and I said yes. She advised me to elevate my feet when lying down and to avoid standing or sitting too long. She also told me to eat proper diet, avoid caffeine, softdrinks, junkfoods, drink Enfamama, and take the vitamins she prescribed. She scheduled my next visit on the 13th of August, on which I would also need to have my 4th Tetanus Toxoid vaccination. And what excited me most was when she told me that I can already have my ultrasound any time after this visit. So, I'm planning to have it during the 1st week of August, 'coz I still have to wait for the next payday...(no budget for now, prenatal consultation and vitamins first..whew! being pregnant is not just difficult for the body, but for the pocket as well...hehehe...but this will be worth it, right Baby Guian?)

Before ending the consultation, I asked my OB about the effect of pre-natal depression to my baby. She asked me what was the problem and so I told her a jist of the story. She explained to me that there is a psychological effect on the baby when during the term of my pregnancy, I keep on thinking about problems and other things that can make me feel stressed out and depressed. She also said that this might lead to my baby suffering from a disorder called ADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) which can manifest when he is in pre-school age. Upon hearing this from her, I almost cry because I've been too selfish the past months, allowing myself to be enslaved by this depression.

My OB also gave me a lot of advice about the present problem that I shared to her. But the best was when she told me that all i needed to do was to PRAY and CAST MY BURDENS UPON THE LORD BECAUSE HE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT KNOWS WHY THESE THINGS ARE HAPPENING. She was even laughing when she shared to me her own experience with her husband when she was also pregnant. So, she said that instead of focusing on the problem, I'd better focus myself on taking care of the baby inside me.

Actually, I'm trying to do this lately, it's just that some people are so good in provoking me. Putting me into a test, then when I utter something that they misinterpret, they will use it against me, making me feel as if I'm so bad. But I won't allow this to happen again, never ever again. Instead of allowing "him" to pull me down, I would just pray to the Lord to give him an open-mind to understand the whole situation, especially the pregnancy that I'm going through now and learn how to accept his mistakes, humble himself, and forgive like what I did. I would pray that Lord will bless him, and help him overcome the bad attitude with the good because his bad side will never make him grow as a person.

So, now, no more crying, and I'll try to be as strong as possible for the sake of my Baby Guian. I'll make sure to it that I won't be affected with anything that other people will do to bring me down and make me feel bad about myself. From this day on, it will be all about Guian...

Dear Baby Guian

Hi baby! It will still be years before you can actually read this letter, but by that time I'm sure you'll be able to understand what Mommy wrote here and why Mommy chose to keep you in spite of the many trials that I'm going through now. After you read this, I'm sure you'll be proud of me. But there's this fear that maybe you won't be able to forgive me for not giving you the complete family that every child deserves to have. I hope you will understand that I did try..even tried so hard...

I'm so excited to see you already..You're just 24 weeks, and I still need to wait for at least 12 more...I can't wait to see how you look. I wish you'll have my looks, my eyes, my lips, and of course my dimples. I want you to look so cute and oh so adorable, and I want you to be as smart and determined as Mommy.

I know it will be difficult for me to raise you alone, but Mommy will try very hard. I may not be able to take the place of your Papa, but I will do everything to give you the love, attention, time, and care that he's supposed to give. Whatever his reason is for not being with us, God only knows.

But I want you to know that I tried to reach out to him because I promised you, and he even promised you that we will be a complete family when you come out until you grow up. But he has changed, he's now a total stranger. He's not the - the same would-be Papa that we used to know. The loving and caring man that we knew, is now a man enslaved by pride, anger, and fear. I even asked where is now that man whom I used to love - the caring one, sweet, loving, and forgiving. The man that I talked to now thinks as if everyone is taking advantage of him, that the people close to him just love him because he can provide them with their needs. He begins to distance himself from us because he thinks we will leave him. But the truth is, we never left him and we never took advantage of him. We never even pressured him to give us support because we understand his situation.

All we needed was his love, his care, and a little of his time and attention. But why is it that his anger to his past, to those who took advantage of him, and to the things that happened to him before enslaved him now and we are the ones being punished. We are not the ones who hurt him in the past, we are not the ones who left him, and we are not the ones who made him feel a loser...but why is he punishing us to the extend that he even dismissed his dreams for us, for our family, and especially for you Guian. The man I talked to now is so cruel, so unfair, so selfish, and loves only himself...And honestly, I feel as if I don't even know him at all...Because the man I love, and the man who is supposed to be your Papa is very kind, sweet, caring, loving, understanding, and has big dreams for you..This man is gone Guian, he's gone - and we can do nothing but to let him go. Let's just be happy for him instead, and move on without him.

Anyway, I can now see that he's happy without us, and looks even happier when he punishes us because of his cold treatment...So, will we let this man continue to hurt and punish us in spite of the many times we showed him our love, care, and support? Will we let him continue to despise us just because Mommy made a mistake when she let herself be provoked? Will we continue to hold on to the thought that your Papa will come back and recognize you as his son? Or would we rather let go of him now, and start to forget about him completely because we can never bring him back?

The choice is ours Guian, and since you can't make a choice yet, I already made it for us...For your sake, I chose to move on and let go because your Papa will never come back. And I chose to despise the stranger now who's trying to bring us down and make us feel unworthy of his love and attention. If he is happy now, then we can also be happy...We'll just pray and hope that this man will realize that what he's doing now to us will not make him more of a winner, but a loser in the end because he let his negative attitude rule him instead of the positive.

So, hang in there Guian, 12 more weeks, 12 more...As each day passes, I become more excited. When the big day finally comes, Im sure I'll be the happiest woman in the world. I LOVE YOU!

Beer and Cigarette

You might be wondering why my post is entitled "Beer and Cigarette".

It's plain simple, these are the two things that I gave up for almost 6 months now, and probably for 3 more. I'm not actually the type who is very dependent on these stuff, it's just that when I'm too stressed out, these are my usual companions. But because of this baby inside my tummy, I have to give these up for a while...

Darn, my mouth is already starving for these...I remembered those nights after work, when I'll do nothing but puff a stick while listening to mp3 playing on my cellphone. And also those times when Noli was still here, and joined me in a one-on-one drinking session, actually it's a two-on-one 'coz Maida also joined us. I really miss those times because in spite of too much pressure that I was taking from work, I got to unwind and felt relaxed after.

3 more months of waiting to be with my buddies..wehehe...really good buddies! i can hardly wait...whew!

Dear Lord

I received an email this morning from Mama Wen, my officemate. And instead of forwarding it, I decided to copy it here in my blogspot so that more people can read it and that every morning when I log in to blogger, I'll remember to utter the said prayer. This is a really wonderful prayer, so I'm sharing it to you...

Dear Lord, I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me.

Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.

Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. And it's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart.

Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately and for those who don’t believe.

But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.

I'm so happy for the winner of Deal or No Deal today. I've already watched so many episodes of this game show, but this one really put me into tears. I'm even shouting when the 100,000 briefcase was opened, and finally, the 1,000,000 when Jennel Montero said "No Deal"...The winner is really blessed, thinking about all the hardships he had been through. God rewarded him for being such a good and determined person. Plus, before the game started, both he and his wife really prayed and entrusted whatever the outcome is to the Lord.

So, another big lesson learned for me - if you really entrust everything to Him, your life will not be all downs at one time. God knows when it's time for you to be rewarded for all the hardships and efforts you made and for being a good person to others. You may not see the result now, but God is watching - and only He knows when the right time is...So, now, I keep hoping, praying, and entrusting my life and my Baby Guian's life to Him because I know He is always there watching over us...My baby and I may be in a struggle right now, but in the end, we will be blessed because we entrusted our lives to the Lord.

My Prayer

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Today is supposedly our 5th monthsary. Five months ago, I was the happiest woman in the world, coz i thought finally God answered my prayers and gave me the right partner that I could spend the rest of my life with..As he gave me that ring and told me the words, "I love you", I could not believe that my dream finally came true, that I finally won his love..So, when I told him "I love you, too", I made a promise to myself that I'll make this relationship work this time and be the best that I can be.

But things didn't turn out the way I expected, and the truth today finally washes over me. I asked him why he changed and if indeed his love for me faded, he never replied. His silence is killing me, but I expected that coz I know how he is - if he doesn't love the person anymore, he would prefer to remain silent until the girl finally realizes that and let go. I admit, I cried when he didn't answer me, because it would be easier for me to accept if he is more frank. But what can I do, that's how he is..And I know, I could not change that.

He said the reason why his feelings changed was because of my attitude - demanding, nagger, negative thinker, confrontational, and most of all does not know how to control one's anger. I am aware of all of these, but I'm also aware that I am not like these towards him all the time. If what he feels for me is real love, these attitudes would have not been enough for his love to easily fade. I know I can change and be a better wife, all I asked from him was a little patience, a little understanding, a little time, and more assurance that he truly loves me and be there for me even at my worst.

A long distance relationship is not at all easy to maintain, it requires hard work. It requires more understanding and patience. One month, three months, four months, five, a year, two, or even four years should not be a probationary period, because change does not happen over night. I don't want to be demanding, to be a nagger, or to be easily angered, that's why all I'm asking from him is a little more patience because being in a long distance relationship, and pregnant at that is not at all easy. But he deprived me of this simple thing that I asked, because he thinks more of his anger, his hurt ego...I cannot erase all those hurtful words that I've said, but I've already explained why I said those and apologized.

He said he's not angry anymore, that he's already ok..But why is he still so distant from me, from us? We miss the old Ghie that we have..we miss him so much...how I wish I can bring him back...and rebuild this family for the sake of Guian because my baby doesn't deserve to have a broken family. I love my baby so much, and I want to give him the best. How can I do that, if from the start, I could not even give him a complete family. But I have to accept this now...I can't go on hoping that the old Ghie will come back and love me and Guian again.

For now, I'll just be contented with what the new Ghie can give us, and we wish him the best in everything.